Tonight is one of those nights when I suddenly feel so compelled to write, that I know very well that there will be NO RESTING until whatever I am meant to write....has been written. Truthfully, all I have in this present moment is a bunch of scattered thoughts racing around in my mind. However, I have experienced this particular impression so many times before, that I know that somehow, everything will come together as I type it and I will also simply recognize the feeling of completion and peace when I know that whatever message I am meant to share tonight, has been shared in its entirety.
I heard two words tonight that caused an amazing rush of insightful thought. "Celestial WHY?" Immediately, I realized what it is that is the very core of the intense and undeniably Divine compatibility between me and Jeff. It's bizarre -- I am not at all a mathematical mind or the sort of
mind in which the following would ever naturally occur, but almost instantly, I envisioned in my mind a diagram of circles. Picture a circle in the middle of the diagram. Now picture hundreds of lines coming out from that circle, attaching to smaller circles - acting as "satellites" of the core. In those outer circles are listed the hundreds of different ways that Jeff and I feel connected to each other - and I DO mean hundreds. Until tonight, I have always been overwhelmed and impressed by the sheer NUMBER of ways in which we feel connected and even drawn to each other. Tonight, that all changed because my understanding and perspective also changed. In this particular example, all of the "satellites" are simply a direct result of the CORE - that ONE (NOT "hundreds") ever-so-powerful and unwavering CORE. It was just a few years ago that I first heard the expression, "Find your 'WHY?'" I realized tonight, that the reason Jeff and I share such a powerful bond, is only INDIRECTLY a result of those hundreds of "satellite" things and more DIRECTLY because we BOTH SHARE THE SAME CORE - or in other words, the same "WHY?" And tonight, I recognized very clearly (though the Spirit has previously testified many times of the sacred nature of this relationship) that the reason our connection is so intense and so beautifully extraordinary, is even more specifically a result of the NATURE of our "WHY?" Looking past all of the hundreds of "little things" that draw us to each other on a daily basis, it is actually our core - a common "CELESTIAL WHY?!" that has been what has absolutely WELDED us together.
Believe it or not, this entry is not particularly about me and Jeff. My thought process BEGAN with a further testament and understanding of WHY our two spirits feel so at home with each other, and GREW into a very powerful discussion, or rather "enlightened commentary" about TIME (this discussion, which prompted the very powerful impression to write this entry [believe it or not] lasted ironically less than 3 minutes). We live in a time when we have been blessed with technology so advanced and so brilliant, that it has the potential to highly educate, inspire, edify and BRING NATIONS TOGETHER and closer to Christ at the very touch of a button. Tonight, I heard technology compared to FIRE. If we are the MASTER of it, it can be controlled and bring LIGHT and absolute warmth and brilliance to our lives. If it masters US, it can absolutely burn our world down and leave us with nothing but ashes. This is where the "Celestial WHY?" illustration and this topic of time and technology come together. Jeff and I are different. I realize that everyone is unique and beautiful and loved equally by God. But in this world as it is generally today, Jeff and I are noticeably different. I do completely acknowledge that we are not ALONE in this difference, however. We have met many wonderful people who feel the same way, and (not surprising) we have found ourselves drawn to them. In the outer "satellites" of our relationship diagram, you may see little things (pertaining particulary to technology, for sake of this argument) like "Doesn't like to watch TV," "Has ZERO interest in video games," "Prefers quality time to texting" or "Would rather sit and listen to Conference talks and watch educational videos on the internet, than get addicted to a weekly sitcom" or simply "Not only would rather be LEARNING than be 'entertained,' but actually finds LEARNING entertaining." Until tonight, my main focus was on those commonalities being the reason for our connection. Tonight, I realized that it is more simply the fact that Jeff and I both share (on a vast majority of issues) the same "Celestial WHY?" or Celestial PURPOSE/PERSPECTIVE. It is BECAUSE of that Celestial perspective (only INTENSIFIED by constant study), that we prefer to not watch TV, that we have zero interest in video games, that we would rather spend quality time together than time texting or even time talking on the phone, that we would ALWAYS rather be LEARNING than doing just about anything else. I recognized and noted VERY EARLY ON in our relationship that Jeff and I never wasted time. We still don't. Every moment of every day is spent doing SOMETHING with our "Celestial WHY?" in mind. Does that mean that we don't let down our hair, go out and play, enjoy laughing ourselves to tears and spending time with friends that we love so dearly? Not at all. FUN is vital for balance and important to keeping passion, laughter and love alive in a relationship. Still, let it be understood, that although we do love to relax and play, we are yet AGAIN unique, in that learning IS fun for us. Our "night of fun" is generally something that is, at the same time, absolutely fulfilling and of Celestial significance. Even our outdoor adventures that we adore and even CRAVE, usually result in deep, meaningful conversation.
Tonight, after a fun family game night before the little ones went to bed, Jeff and I sat and read quotes from General Authorities on one particular topic of interest. We read for about 30-45 minutes. 30-45 MINUTES. Less than one hour. Over the course of that time, not only did we both experience at LEAST 2 or 3 spiritual breakthroughs during our reading, but we also came across one of the most powerfully inspirational modern-day stories that either of us had ever heard....in 30-45 minutes. And oftentimes, for us, it doesn't even take THAT long. As a result of our CONSTANT STUDY, THIS sort of beautiful and powerful enlightenment has become the RULE and
not the exception. We will often spend even a few mere MOMENTS searching and almost immediately find AMAZING nuggets of truth. Have you ever heard yourself (or others) say "But I really don't spend much time watching TV/playing video games/watching sports/"playing" on the internet, etc. I probably only spend a few hours a day." A few hours. Even ONE HOUR. If you had experienced the 30-45 minutes that Jeff and I experienced tonight...and the COUNTLESS HOURS of fulfillment, enlightenment and amazing LIGHT gained from the pursuit of TRUTH and worthwhile learning that we experience every single day, you would NEVER exhaust another MOMENT on any of those other pursuits ever again. For us both (except on VERY RARE occasion that we do endulge..and truthfully do enjoy it for those moments when we do), "a few hours" of ANY of those other options is "a few hours" too much. With a "Celestial WHY?" at your core, NONE of the alternatives would offer even the slightest enticement.
However, though it was the topic of 'technology' that really started my thought process, I immediately began to see how the very manner in which we live and interact with others is ALSO a direct result of our core. If we have a "Celestial WHY?," a Celestial perspective and understanding at our core, even the way we SEE OTHERS and interact with them will completely change. I tend to love people the very moment that I meet them. This may sound "out there," but so often, I can very quickly FEEL who they are. In the past 5 years, I have also grown to develop a quality that I am so deeply and humbly grateful for, BECAUSE I do realize just how rare and beautiful it is. Somehow, with the experiences I have had and the understanding and perspective I have gained, I find it easy to forgive...and to forgive completely (even in very challenging situations). All of this, I directly attribute to my core.
Life is such an amazing experience and we are always changing, learning and growing. Believe me, I have not always had the perspective I do now. But something BIG happened to me over the course of the past 3 years. Those closest to me are very well aware of the great upheavel that has happened in my life. After many attempts to "define" this beautiful change within me, it finally came to me tonight -- I was simply CHANGING MY "WHY?!" In what was often an overwhelmingly painful experience, I was (in theory) completely tearing out my core and starting over. In doing so, I have had a complete SHIFT in my life. Some of the things that I felt were so important, are so absolutely insignificant to me now. This may sound so hard to comprehend, but when I look back on myself prior to this shift, I scarcely recognize the woman I was. I feel so completely different on so many levels. My core, my "Celestial WHY?," has now become a scale and a sieve of sorts - carefully weighing everything for eternal value, giving me the "go-ahead" on things that will bring light and knowledge and simply discarding of the things that would be an unwise use of my time.
Time. Do we have any idea how precious it is? I don't think we do. The great tragedy is, that so many have even become ADDICTED to wasting time. I think if we truly knew the value of a MOMENT.....we would never squander one again. Tonight, both Jeff and I experienced the most beautiful confirmation of how constant learning produces GREATER enlightenment on topics we THOUGHT we had once completely understood. Recently, Jeff and I listened to the most beautiful and eye-opening talk entitled, "What's On The Other Side?" by Brent L. Top, professor and Chair of Church History and Doctrine at BYU, where he has also served as Associate Dean of Religious Education. As a sidenote, he was also one of my own personal favorite religion professors. On so many levels, this is a talk that I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you read/listen to!! However, I will simply highlight one aspect of it, as it pertains to this particular topic. Time. In this talk, we are reminded that both BEFORE this mortal life and AFTER this mortal life, there IS no "time" -at least as we understand it. There are no limitations in regards to time, space, travel, etc. To be honest, I'm not certain that our minds, now clouded by the veil, can even wrap around the idea of TIME not existing. I could actually go on about this ONE particular topic for DAYS..but won't. What I feel I am meant to draw from that for whatever purpose I am meant to share with you tonight, is that THIS LIFE is the only period in which we are LIMITED by TIME. Re-worded...our TIME truly and very LITERALLY, is limited. You do not have minutes to waste. I believe that one of our greatest tests here during the course of our mortal existence is to demonstrate (even prove) that we truly are disciples of Christ (in the very definition of the word) WITH the very harsh limitations (compared to what we were used to in the pre-existence) of TIME. This is our only chance. This is the only moment of eternity when we are limited by TIME. What will we do with it? What will we have to SHOW for it? I do know that we will have ETERNITY to make UP for it. That is the LAST thing I want to spend MY eternity doing....making up for LOST time.
So what do we do now? What is my advice to you? Or perhaps more accurately stated, what advice do I have for you that VERY LIKELY has nothing to do with me at all...but is meant to be shared with you, THROUGH me? You cannot have a major upheavel by merely changing the little "satellite" aspects of your life. Change MUST happen at the core. Im going to repeat that. CHANGE MUST HAPPEN AT THE CORE. Before anything, you must define your "WHY?" What is it? What is your purpose? What is your core that weighs and measures everything you do, every choice you make? Let me give you a practical example to try and help better illustrate this point. If you feel you are wasting too much time watching TV, a complete upheavel will not happen by merely watching less TV. A lasting change MUST BEGIN on the INSIDE and work OUT. Does that make sense? If within your core you have a "Celestial WHY?," you will not even have the DESIRE to watch TV or do anything that isn't a worthwhile use of your time and, in turn, contributes back to your "WHY?" I have tried to teach my little ones this, ever since my OWN eyes were opened to its truthfulness. In my own heart, I am not achieving success as a mother if they simply turn off the TV because I told them to. I admire their obedience, but I want them to turn it off, because they can FEEL the lack of fulfillment...and FIND it in a book or a worthwhile hobby or in spending time together, playing and learning as a family. I want them to make a well-informed CHOICE ON THEIR OWN to turn the TV off, turn the video games off, because they feel MORE fulfilled with other uses of their time. We have not perfected it. They are still learning....but if I do say so myself, they are MILES above the curve.
I'm not certain why I was meant to write this particular entry on this particular day. I never know why. But I do know this. Within my heart of hearts, I feel an urgency. I feel that the more I learn, the more I study, the closer my relationship with God, the more I feel a certainty that TIME....IS....RUNNING....OUT. It's running out. I fear that we have such a false sense of security that TIME will always be there. How often are we told that "THIS LIFE is the time for men to prepare to meet God." NOW is the time. "DO NOT PROCRASTINATE the day of your repentance." This life is the only period when we are bound and limited by time. What a breathtakingly beautiful thing to even CONSIDER how liberating it will be to be free of the shackles of time!! Yet, what a tragedy it would then be to have to spend a large portion of eternity "catching up," learning what we HAD TIME to learn HERE...had we only practiced more self-discipline and made a more conscious effort to seek for greater perspective.
Choosing our "WHY?," what lies at our very core, is the most VITAL use of our agency here in this life. It affects EVERY OTHER DECISION WE MAKE!! I am so deeply humbled and grateful for whatever reason my loving Heavenly Father saw fit to open my eyes to this truth at such a very young age.
Perhaps it was given to me with the hope that I would share and lift others with this knowledge. I am not perfect....I am so very far from perfect. But this I know....I KNOW MY "WHY?" and it is STRONG, UNWAVERING AND CELESTIAL. I know the value of a minute and have a very clear understanding that TIME IS SHORT...and I refuse to waste even the slightest moment. After so much pain and heartache and such intense pleading with my Savior, I was ready for an upheaval. I was ready for a serious change and a cleansing. I was ready to shed who I thought I was and become the woman God KNEW I WAS!! I was ready for a new and eternal perspective.
It was time.
I heard two words tonight that caused an amazing rush of insightful thought. "Celestial WHY?" Immediately, I realized what it is that is the very core of the intense and undeniably Divine compatibility between me and Jeff. It's bizarre -- I am not at all a mathematical mind or the sort of
Believe it or not, this entry is not particularly about me and Jeff. My thought process BEGAN with a further testament and understanding of WHY our two spirits feel so at home with each other, and GREW into a very powerful discussion, or rather "enlightened commentary" about TIME (this discussion, which prompted the very powerful impression to write this entry [believe it or not] lasted ironically less than 3 minutes). We live in a time when we have been blessed with technology so advanced and so brilliant, that it has the potential to highly educate, inspire, edify and BRING NATIONS TOGETHER and closer to Christ at the very touch of a button. Tonight, I heard technology compared to FIRE. If we are the MASTER of it, it can be controlled and bring LIGHT and absolute warmth and brilliance to our lives. If it masters US, it can absolutely burn our world down and leave us with nothing but ashes. This is where the "Celestial WHY?" illustration and this topic of time and technology come together. Jeff and I are different. I realize that everyone is unique and beautiful and loved equally by God. But in this world as it is generally today, Jeff and I are noticeably different. I do completely acknowledge that we are not ALONE in this difference, however. We have met many wonderful people who feel the same way, and (not surprising) we have found ourselves drawn to them. In the outer "satellites" of our relationship diagram, you may see little things (pertaining particulary to technology, for sake of this argument) like "Doesn't like to watch TV," "Has ZERO interest in video games," "Prefers quality time to texting" or "Would rather sit and listen to Conference talks and watch educational videos on the internet, than get addicted to a weekly sitcom" or simply "Not only would rather be LEARNING than be 'entertained,' but actually finds LEARNING entertaining." Until tonight, my main focus was on those commonalities being the reason for our connection. Tonight, I realized that it is more simply the fact that Jeff and I both share (on a vast majority of issues) the same "Celestial WHY?" or Celestial PURPOSE/PERSPECTIVE. It is BECAUSE of that Celestial perspective (only INTENSIFIED by constant study), that we prefer to not watch TV, that we have zero interest in video games, that we would rather spend quality time together than time texting or even time talking on the phone, that we would ALWAYS rather be LEARNING than doing just about anything else. I recognized and noted VERY EARLY ON in our relationship that Jeff and I never wasted time. We still don't. Every moment of every day is spent doing SOMETHING with our "Celestial WHY?" in mind. Does that mean that we don't let down our hair, go out and play, enjoy laughing ourselves to tears and spending time with friends that we love so dearly? Not at all. FUN is vital for balance and important to keeping passion, laughter and love alive in a relationship. Still, let it be understood, that although we do love to relax and play, we are yet AGAIN unique, in that learning IS fun for us. Our "night of fun" is generally something that is, at the same time, absolutely fulfilling and of Celestial significance. Even our outdoor adventures that we adore and even CRAVE, usually result in deep, meaningful conversation.
Tonight, after a fun family game night before the little ones went to bed, Jeff and I sat and read quotes from General Authorities on one particular topic of interest. We read for about 30-45 minutes. 30-45 MINUTES. Less than one hour. Over the course of that time, not only did we both experience at LEAST 2 or 3 spiritual breakthroughs during our reading, but we also came across one of the most powerfully inspirational modern-day stories that either of us had ever heard....in 30-45 minutes. And oftentimes, for us, it doesn't even take THAT long. As a result of our CONSTANT STUDY, THIS sort of beautiful and powerful enlightenment has become the RULE and
However, though it was the topic of 'technology' that really started my thought process, I immediately began to see how the very manner in which we live and interact with others is ALSO a direct result of our core. If we have a "Celestial WHY?," a Celestial perspective and understanding at our core, even the way we SEE OTHERS and interact with them will completely change. I tend to love people the very moment that I meet them. This may sound "out there," but so often, I can very quickly FEEL who they are. In the past 5 years, I have also grown to develop a quality that I am so deeply and humbly grateful for, BECAUSE I do realize just how rare and beautiful it is. Somehow, with the experiences I have had and the understanding and perspective I have gained, I find it easy to forgive...and to forgive completely (even in very challenging situations). All of this, I directly attribute to my core.
Life is such an amazing experience and we are always changing, learning and growing. Believe me, I have not always had the perspective I do now. But something BIG happened to me over the course of the past 3 years. Those closest to me are very well aware of the great upheavel that has happened in my life. After many attempts to "define" this beautiful change within me, it finally came to me tonight -- I was simply CHANGING MY "WHY?!" In what was often an overwhelmingly painful experience, I was (in theory) completely tearing out my core and starting over. In doing so, I have had a complete SHIFT in my life. Some of the things that I felt were so important, are so absolutely insignificant to me now. This may sound so hard to comprehend, but when I look back on myself prior to this shift, I scarcely recognize the woman I was. I feel so completely different on so many levels. My core, my "Celestial WHY?," has now become a scale and a sieve of sorts - carefully weighing everything for eternal value, giving me the "go-ahead" on things that will bring light and knowledge and simply discarding of the things that would be an unwise use of my time.
So what do we do now? What is my advice to you? Or perhaps more accurately stated, what advice do I have for you that VERY LIKELY has nothing to do with me at all...but is meant to be shared with you, THROUGH me? You cannot have a major upheavel by merely changing the little "satellite" aspects of your life. Change MUST happen at the core. Im going to repeat that. CHANGE MUST HAPPEN AT THE CORE. Before anything, you must define your "WHY?" What is it? What is your purpose? What is your core that weighs and measures everything you do, every choice you make? Let me give you a practical example to try and help better illustrate this point. If you feel you are wasting too much time watching TV, a complete upheavel will not happen by merely watching less TV. A lasting change MUST BEGIN on the INSIDE and work OUT. Does that make sense? If within your core you have a "Celestial WHY?," you will not even have the DESIRE to watch TV or do anything that isn't a worthwhile use of your time and, in turn, contributes back to your "WHY?" I have tried to teach my little ones this, ever since my OWN eyes were opened to its truthfulness. In my own heart, I am not achieving success as a mother if they simply turn off the TV because I told them to. I admire their obedience, but I want them to turn it off, because they can FEEL the lack of fulfillment...and FIND it in a book or a worthwhile hobby or in spending time together, playing and learning as a family. I want them to make a well-informed CHOICE ON THEIR OWN to turn the TV off, turn the video games off, because they feel MORE fulfilled with other uses of their time. We have not perfected it. They are still learning....but if I do say so myself, they are MILES above the curve.
I'm not certain why I was meant to write this particular entry on this particular day. I never know why. But I do know this. Within my heart of hearts, I feel an urgency. I feel that the more I learn, the more I study, the closer my relationship with God, the more I feel a certainty that TIME....IS....RUNNING....OUT. It's running out. I fear that we have such a false sense of security that TIME will always be there. How often are we told that "THIS LIFE is the time for men to prepare to meet God." NOW is the time. "DO NOT PROCRASTINATE the day of your repentance." This life is the only period when we are bound and limited by time. What a breathtakingly beautiful thing to even CONSIDER how liberating it will be to be free of the shackles of time!! Yet, what a tragedy it would then be to have to spend a large portion of eternity "catching up," learning what we HAD TIME to learn HERE...had we only practiced more self-discipline and made a more conscious effort to seek for greater perspective.
Choosing our "WHY?," what lies at our very core, is the most VITAL use of our agency here in this life. It affects EVERY OTHER DECISION WE MAKE!! I am so deeply humbled and grateful for whatever reason my loving Heavenly Father saw fit to open my eyes to this truth at such a very young age.
It was time.
Thanks for writing this! I admire you. You have great strength!!!
Posted by: Mandi Roth | January 12, 2013 at 04:53 PM
I find this interesting as you are also studying John and Abigail Adams. Back in their day their "relaxing time" was not sitting around and doing nothing. Their "time off" was spent learning and reading. They spent their time actively engaged like you are. The people of that time valued the "personal down time" they had by continuing to learn, study and work. Very interesting that you are also finding this to be true in your life.
Happy studies, happy thoughts and happy growth to you!
Posted by: noelani | January 13, 2013 at 09:59 PM
Thank you so much for this post. It really touched me.
Posted by: Shawna Quigley | January 16, 2013 at 09:24 AM
I truly appreciate you writing this post. It really touched my heart and soul. May we all be blessed as we study and grow closer to our Savior.
Posted by: Shawna Q | January 16, 2013 at 09:27 AM