{understanding...and never forgotten}

When people look back at challenging years in their lives, they tend to re-write history and suddenly believe "I was never happy" or "I was never in love with that person." More often than not, that is simply not true. At least not completely. The truth is, it seems to be a coping mechanism for many, this "re-writing of history," to help them get over the hurt. See, if you can convince YOURSELF that you were "never in love" or "never happy," then there is much LESS pain to deal with. As unhealthy as that sounds, to a heart who is aching, I can see why so many turn to that method of "therapy." Perhaps it's simply to make it easier to move on. I've never really believed in doing things the easy way...and I don't think it's the healthiest way either. When it comes down to it though....who am I to judge how a broken heart chooses to heal?! I personally would never be able to truthfully say "I was never happy." That's just ridiculous. I have had MUCH happiness in my life...and much happiness throughout very challenging years of my life. I wish I could honestly say that it was joy....that pure joy that penetrates clear to your soul. And there WERE definitely MOMENTS of that....true. (To say that the birth of my babies and their very lives created anything less than the very purest form of joy would be a gross understatement.) But whether or not my happiness was only surface deep and/or fleeting, it was still most definitely there. And in those years, I got used to that sort of happiness...and expected nothing more. I had no idea what I was missing and what God had in store for me...

I don't want what I just wrote to be misinterpreted as me suddenly finding happiness as a result of my divorce. That is absolutely not the case. It is far MORE attributed to a change WITHIN ME. Was my divorce possibly a catalyst to those changes in my particular case? Perhaps. I don't know. Despite how and why and when it all happened, I will never even for a moment regret my marriage to a good man that was doing the best he could with the knowledge he had....as we all do, with the knowledge we have. Every experience God has BLESSED my life with, created a woman who was RIPE and READY for a serious transformation and refining. And how could I ever, ever feel any regret about the PROCESS that got me to that point?! This is a rather sensitive topic, but so important for me to document for myself and my posterity. I will do my best to address it with great care and compassion.

Simply stated, though I did have many moments of happiness, I felt very unfulfilled in many ways and for many years of my life. I had a breakthrough this weekend that I had never thought about until now and feel so compelled to record it. I feel I have always had a very vibrant mind that craves learning. I am so grateful to my loving Heavenly Father for that beautiful gift. For many many years, that mind went unstretched...unused..unstimulated. I grasped here and there for creative outlets and associations with work opportunities that would help me use the mind that I had been given. Still, nothing seemed to satisfy the intellectual hunger that I felt. I have continued to feel a little aching for the years that "my mind went unnourished." At least, that was until I had the most wonderful breakthrough in a conversation with Jeff this weekend that created so much understanding.

Why is it that no matter how many times God carries us, we still have moments (no matter how brief) where we wonder whether or not He is aware of us?! Praise Him for loving us so unconditionally...despite our shortcomings. How could we possibly doubt His hand in our lives?! THIS is where the greatest change has been in my life. I have always known that there is a blessing in every trial. THAT, I do know. But what I hadn't realized until this past weekend, is that I had actually missed one. I had missed a major blessing that had been given to me. Who would have thought that having my mind lack the stimulation that it craved (for almost a decade) would actually end up being one of my greatest blessings?! And to take that even deeper.....who would have thought that that void would serve an amazing purpose in my own personal spiritual growth?! Now that I have had this breakthrough, it seems so BLATENTLY OBVIOUS!!! How could I have EVER doubted God's purpose for me?!

How often do our minds get in the way of our hearts and our spirits?! That considered, what if all you HAD was your HEART and your SPIRIT to rely on?! What if all you HAD is GOD to rely on?! I read online once, that you learn very quickly how strong you are....when being strong is the only choice you have. So often, our mind comes in between us and God. But when our hearts are aching and our spirits LONG for comfort.....we not only SEEK God, but we DESPERATELY GRASP FOR HIM and HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE. I NEEDED that sort of "JOLT" in my life. A "JOLT" that would send me RUNNING to my Savior, CLINGING to Him for comfort and mercy!!!! I needed a "JOLT" that would not only make God and Jesus Christ the foundation of my LIFE....but would make them the CENTER of MY LIFE!!!! I needed a "JOLT" that would ensure that my MIND would ALWAYS, ALWAYS be turned to Them, no MATTER where my life's journey would take me. God knew that if my heart and my soul were completely and utterly converted to Him, that my mind always would be as well.

There are many things that I am NOT good at. But I do believe (and this has NOTHING to do with me, since I truly believe it was simply a GIFT, due to God's great mercy) that I was given a strong, fighting spirit. However, as with any gifts and talents that our loving Heavenly Father has given to us, I'm fairly certain that my spirit very easily could have given up and become weak...if I had allowed it to become such. Thank goodness He paired that gift with an optimistic attitude and a stubbornness, that when chaneled, would force my spirit to become unbreakable. No...Matter...What. What an amazing refiner's fire my heart, soul and spirit were blessed to endure while my mind sat and waited, so often aching for some sort of stimulation and refining as well. Again, I have to ask myself...why did I ever doubt for a moment, God's purpose for me?! All in HIS own time...not my own. How many times have we heard that and STILL question that He is so very aware of us!? How often I had ached for peace...and how often do we go LOOKING for it?! Bless our sweet hearts for allowing our MINDS to try and find the answer to our search for peace. If that is the method we use....we will always, always be searching.....to no avail. For as a beautiful plaque here in my home so eloquently states, "Peace on the outside comes from knowing God on the inside."

SO often, people around me comment about the passion that I have for life, for God, for my Savior, for my babies, my family, my angel friends....and for my best friend and love. It is true that I am most definitely more outgoing than many. But my personality has nothing to do with my conviction. Just because you are more reserved, does not mean that you cannot FEEL this same passion, with the same intensity that I do...simply because I EXPRESS it more openly. The passion I feel CAN be sought...and found...in Christ. I am not His "favorite." I have not been blessed with a limited edition of CONVINCTION of His love for us. It can, and WILL BE, freely given to all those who SEEK IT!!!! I promise you that.

And that brings me to today. After so many years of what often felt like "drought" when it came to intellectual stimulation (for a purpose that is now so clear to me), God has seen that my HEART, SOUL and SPIRIT are truly His...and has sent me a miracle greater than any void I ever felt. I will praise Him every day of my life, every SINGLE day of my life, for sending me a man who not only craves learning just as I do, but a beautiful synergy between us that creates mutual intellectual stimulation that is, in my opinion and my experience, unmatched. Oh Heather...."Oh ye of little faith." How could I have doubted Him?! How much greater is my joy, because of the heartache I have felt!! "In the midst of affliction, my table is spread. With blessings unmeasured, my cup runneth o'er." How small, how brief that period of time that God required my mind to wait for a mere moment and allow my HEART and SOUL to turn to Him! He never meant for it to wait and feel a void forever. And now, with my HEART and SOUL and SPIRIT and MIND together, WHOLE and COMPLETE, FULFILLED beyond measure...and SO HOPEFULLY LOST in my SAVIOR....the passion inside of me is almost too overwhelming to even HOPE to describe to anyone. There has been only one instance that I heard something that came close to what I am feeling and feel on very regular basis. A few weeks ago, as Jeff and I sat in his Sacrament Meeting together, a scripture was read that I have heard a thousand times. Never before did it resonate as it did that day. I very literally almost jumped out of my seat. NO WORDS could more accurately describe how I feel today. ALMA 36:20..."And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!"

What a blessing it is to gain UNDERSTANDING. So often, we feel like we are fighting a battle that we didn't choose, for a cause and purpose we are unsure of...with an ending that we feel may never come. To those who are in battle today, and perhaps even as a reminder to MYSELF, should I ever lose sight even for a moment, I share my most pure and sincere testimony with you, that GOD HAS NOT FORGOTTEN US!! On the contrary...NO ONE is MORE aware of us and knows us more intimately than He does. EVERY battle, EVERY scar, EVERY void, EVERY ache.....it is all for a very Divine purpose. Understanding may not come until years later. It may not even come until we see Him again. But this I testify to you....that it WILL come. "There WILL be a day with no more tears, no more pain, no more fears. There will be a day, when the burdens of this place, will be no more. We'll see Jesus face to face." (Jeremy Camp) That may be when we truly DO see Jesus Christ face to face. But it may also be when we open our hearts, our souls and our spirits to Him and make Him the CENTER of our lives....TODAY. Either way, we WILL gain understanding and perspective...and see that EVERYTHING was for our good. Praise God for loving us unconditionally AS WE ARE. But PRAISE HIM FOREVER, for loving us TOO MUCH, to allow us to STAY as we are!!

Comments

[Rosanne Lami]

Brilliant Heather.

[Katie]

thank you for this beautiful message