{unwrapped}

{it's time to grow up}

If I were to add up the number of minutes that I have watched any sort of NEWS broadcast, I would probably come up with about 10 minutes. I have purposefully avoided the news my entire life. I know what goes on in the world and I haven't felt as if SEEING it over and over again serves me in any way. And so far, I haven't felt a void in my life as a result. I am still an intelligent woman who does keep up with current events that DO affect my family, since those current events will come and FIND YOU without watching them on the news (through school, family, friends....or FACEBOOK). And truthfully, I still have no desire or feel the need to watch the news. However, in one area, my desire to become informed and involved has changed DRASTICALLY in the past month. In addition to not being interested in the news, I have never taken an active role in elections....local OR otherwise. I am not ashamed of not watching the news. I don't think it makes me less of a person. However, the older I have gotten, the more guilty I have felt about not doing my part to become informed and actively participate in local and presidential elections.

My sweet Jeff is VERY up to date with current events, politics, etc. In his free time, he is always learning (I can't tell you how ATTRACTIVE that is to me) -- reading up on what is going on in the world and, currently, in the Presidential Election. I saw this as a great opportunity for me to learn more. Jeff and I love that we are constantly learning from each other. Politics is one particular area where Jeff is VERY knowledgeable...and I am not. The sad thing is, it's not that I "don't get it" or "don't get into it." It's almost worse. I have CHOSEN...very consciously CHOSEN....to NOT become informed when it comes to politics. Looking back, I am ashamed of that choice. However, I am choosing NOT to look back for long...because TODAY is a new day and all off that changed almost overnight...ALSO by my choice (and a choice I AM very proud of). Who would have thought that this same woman, who has never watched an entire NEWS segment or gotten involved in politics in the very least, would be on the edge of her seat during EVERY Presidential Debate this past month....and literally experiencing BUTTERFLIES all day today during the Florida Primary?! Not only that, but I laughed out loud when I caught myself on YOUTUBE, watching REPLAYS of the last debate (which was AMAZING, by the way) the other night in my free time. Who would have thought?! But seriously.......DID YOU SEE THIS??????? This is only ONE of a TON of amazing moments during the last debate....(start the clip at at 1:15 and go until 2:25 for the HIGHLIGHT). I just watched it again and seriously......the only thing I can even think to do is get on my feet and holler out "BOO-YAH." And I'm not even a "BOO-YAH" kind of gal. LOL! AMAZING. AMAZING strength...conviction....power. AWESOME. And the way he never takes his gaze off of Newt....never. Powerful.
When I first decided to start becoming more involved, I thought that perhaps I would do it because it is my duty as an American and also because Jeff is so thoroughly interested in it. Both are good and noble reasons to take up an interest in politics. However, even I was surprised to find that not only do I feel so amazingly fulfilled and proud to actually KNOW what is going on......but I seriously LOVE IT!!!!! Oh my HEART, do I LOVE IT!!!!! I catch myself GOOGLING new articles about the Presidential Campaigns....and Jeff isn't even around. :-)

A little side story: I love that my little ones are catching the Presidential Race fever as well. Kaden is always asking questions about the candidates and Seneca has actually sat and listened to some of the debates with me and Jeff. The first debate that we watched together, Seneca brought her dollhouse out and was playing quietly with it while we were listening. I believe it was Santorum that mentioned 3 things that would decrease the chances of ever living in poverty. Somehow, I missed the three things and asked Jeff if he had heard what they were. As he was getting ready to answer, Seneca (without skipping a beat) looked up and said, "Graduate from highschool, go to college and get married before having kids." I am positive I must have looked about as shocked as I ever have been. I couldn't believe it. I said, "Baby....I can't believe you caught that." She looked at me with such a "matter-of-fact" expression and said, "I'm listening. That's why I'm being so quiet." Then, she went right back to playing with her dollhouse. Jeff and I couldn't get over it. LOL So awesome.

(One of my favorite pictures of Mitt Romney. After listening to his speech on TALKRADIO after winning the Florida Primary tonight, I couldn't help but text myself this quote...and immediately add it to this picture of him.  LOVE IT!)

I know God has DIVINE timing for EVERYTHING. I truly believe that there needed to come a time when I GREW UP and invested time in learning more about our country and becoming involved in politics. But I know that God knows me....and that the timing would have to be JUST RIGHT to CAPTURE my attention. I know that feeling JEFF'S passion for politics has been a HUGE part of it...and he is SO amazingly awesome to answer my 87 million questions so patiently. However, I also firmly believe that this particular race was THE ONE that would "convert me"....more than any race in the past. Those who are actively interested in the race won't even have to question why. GOD...IS....IN....THIS....RACE!!! I can feel it. It is undeniable!!!! When I listen to Mitt debate.....he has the power of God behind him. It isn't because he is a Mormon and I am a Mormon and therefore I feel the Spirit in his words. I am not so shallow as to only vote for a man because he shares my religion. I find it equally as shallow that those who are NOT Mormon would not even consider voting for Mitt simply because he IS a Mormon. That seems so utterly ridiculous to me.  I can't wrap my head around that...and yet I have already seen it EVERYWHERE....voters voting for immorality and instability, in order to simply NOT vote for "The Mormon." What?!?!?!?! Putting all RELIGION ASIDE.....Mitt is a man of GOD...there is absolutely NO QUESTION in my mind of that.  And you can FEEL it. He debates with such strength and conviction. Every time he speaks, my heart testifies to me that he is a man of God. And the thought of a MAN OF GOD running our country is so beautifully exhilerating, I can hardly contain myself.

But it isn't just Mitt Romney. I have been SO overly impressed with Rick Santorum and Ron Paul. Even when they speak, they carry an amazing spirit. The three of those men together have made it almost a SPIRITUAL experience to be involved in this race. With the power of their conviction, there are so many times that I have to consciously keep myself from STANDING ON MY FEET to applaud them from my living room. (Jeff and I both agree that we can imagine Ron Paul more as a "Grandpa figure" that we'd love to visit with at the dinner table and not really as President of the United States [not to mention the fact that I can't get over how much he reminds me of John Mahoney]....but we BOTH also agree in regards to our favorable feelings towards Santorum. He is so genuine. I have been SO impressed with him.) The passion that I feel for God and for my Savior has spread now to my love for this beautiful country...and for these men that stand with feet planted in their faith in God...all fighting for the opportunity to lead this country that was FOUNDED in God's name!!!!! Amazing. AMAZING.

As one who seriously dragged her feet on the road to getting into politics, I STRONGLY invite you...and encourage you to make THIS YEAR, THIS PRESIDENTIAL RACE, the year that you DISCOVER YOUR PASSION for our country and its leaders. If I can come out of ignorance and not only CHOOSE to get involved, but fall in LOVE with this race.....I certainly have faith that ANYONE can. We have a chance to finally have this country that was FOUNDED UNDER GOD, actually be LED BY A MAN OF GOD. When Election Day comes, will enough people CHOOSE to VOTE...to make sure that happens? I made a choice my entire life to stay OUT of politics...a choice that I am not proud of as a mature adult. But today is a new day. I am not looking back. Just a month ago, I made another conscious choice.....a DIVINE choice....a choice that I am VERY proud of. No matter what the final result may be....my heart will finally rest easy this year...knowing that I was well-informed and voted well. It's time to grow up. It's time to stand up. It's time to SHOW UP. And it's time to vote for a leader who gets HIS final word from God.

{every day...a little bit of Divinity}

This past Monday morning, as I was running errands with my baby girl, I realized that lately, I tend to only blog "major events" or "major breakthroughs." That's actually not a bad thing. I don't have as much time to write as I used to....so I choose to write about the things I am so compelled to write about, that they simply refuse to be ignored!! :-) However, as I was driving in the car on Monday, playing "I Spy," "The Alphabet Game" and singing just about every single song we knew....I suddenly realized what a shame it was that I hadn't blogged about my "EVERY DAY" in a while. Because the thing is....our "EVERY DAYS" are AMAZING...and so absolutely blog-worthy. And so, half-way through the morning, I decided to document our "EVERY DAY" this past Monday.

Monday is my favorite day of the week (aside from the weekend days when I have my kids)..truth be told. I especially love them when my kids are off-track. You may ask why, since most people tend to DISLIKE Mondays. The reason I love Mondays so much, is because it is the one day during the work week that I DON'T work. It is my day to get things done, to volunteer at school, for ME to be the one who picks up my babies from school, etc. etc. etc. Truthfully, Mondays represent the life that I long for. Just...being...Mama. It is the day that I feel most at peace and the most in step with my Divine calling as a mother.

Seneca is such a good sport to do errands with me almost every Monday. We are such fabulous, seriously snuggly, little companions. I love that. This past Monday, we ended up running to the store to buy a few things for a very special dinner before Family Home Evening and also made a trip to Deseret Industries....all done in our jammies..just because!! I would have taken pictures, but these few errands actually occurred BEFORE I decided to blog about our "EVERY DAY." However, I am PROUD to say that I was able to find 3 pairs of DESIGNER JEANS (1 for Kaden and 2 for Baby) and an amazingly thick and beautiful long sweater for me...ALL for only $14. Why in the world did I EVER shop ANYWHERE other than D.I.?! I am amazed. Shopping at D.I. has become almost a hobby for me. I love it. Such a fun "challenge" to try and find the very BEST deals. I am almost giddy when I walk out of D.I. with perfect "almost brand new" clothes from Abercrombie, GAP, Old Navy, Aeropostale, Justice, etc. for POCKET CHANGE!!! I have even run into little ones that have the same clothes as mine and smile to myself thinking, "I so love that shirt they bought at Justice for $35. I have the same one and bought it for $2." :-) Although we didn't take pictures at the store, I had Seneca model her brand new jeans for me before school on Monday. They are THE cutest jeans EVER...and she fell in love with them right away. Would you look at my baby girl?! Is she not HEAVEN in a little girl?! *sigh* Oh how I love my babies!!!!


After our trip to D.I., and since Mama has been so ridiculously amazing to stay away from one of her guilty pleasures (flavored hot chocolate at Beans & Brews) for over 3 months now, Baby and I decided to treat ourselves to cocoa and a bagel. It was the cutest thing, to see Seneca snuggled up in a comfy leather chair in Beans & Brews, eating her bagel, sipping her cocoa and saying things like "Let's talk about us." Oh my heart. It was seriously the most amazingly beautiful GIRL TIME. She is growing up so fast. I happened to notice glances from other patrons, smiling as they saw this Mama and daughter relaxing together at such a "grown up" place, having "grown up" conversations about what we like about each other, etc. Oh my heart. So much love I could BURST!!


After our cocoa time, I dropped Seneca off at school and ran a couple of errands on my own and threw on some jeans before hustling back to make it in time to volunteer in Seneca's classroom. I was in charge of the rotation where we made a "rhymes match game" called "A Pocket Full Of Rhymes." The kids loved it...and it made my heart happy when Seneca happily said, "HEY! We can play this for Family Home Leavling tonight!" ("Leavling" is meant to spelled that way....LOL..since that's how she says it.) Volunteering in my kids' classrooms is one of my all-time favorite things to do. Seeing their eyes LIGHT UP when I walk in the classroom and how PROUD they are to have their mom as the "Mom Helper," is....beyond words. I have been asked a number of times to be on the PTA and (since I currently just can't do BOTH) have politely said that I would rather be heavily involved in my kids' classrooms. I want my kids to know that I am there for them and to be WITH them. And until the day comes (if it does) that they don't WANT me there any more...I will keep coming to their classrooms. At that point, I absolutely will be on the PTA to continue helping the schools where my babies attend.  But until then....I want to be around them and involved with them DIRECTLY...as long as I can.

After school, I picked up my babies. That is such a simple statement, but even writing it makes me a little teary. Driving my kids to and from school has ALWAYS been something I have loved to do. If ever I was asked to join a carpool, I ALWAYS offered to drive EVERY DAY. I never thought there would be a day that I WOULDN'T be able to do it. I have the hardest time not being the one who greets them after school every day when I am at work the rest of them week. It makes my heart ache just thinking about it...so I can't think about it. Anyway...right after school, we headed over to Great Clips to get Kaden a haircut.

Seneca usually has dance on Mondays, but her asthma was acting up quite a bit, so we decided to take a little break and headed for home after Kaden's haircut. After working through homework and cleaning up the house, the kids relaxed while I threw in a few loads of laundry (Monday is also laundry day) and prepared a very special dinner for us. It wasn't until I was preparing our dinner, that I realized that this particular dinner definitely doesn't fit into the theme of our "EVERY DAY." LOL! It is the only thing that makes this day "SORTA" our "EVERY DAY." Ha ha! Kaden has been asking for a couple weeks to try crab legs. As you know, crab legs are most definitely not cheap. I saved up a little bit and decided that Monday was finally going to be our special CRAB LEG DINNER.



I picked up 2 LBS of crab legs, 1.5 LBS of shrimp, made my Dad's DELICIOUS homemade cocktail sauce, fried up some yellow squash and made mashed potatoes. It was most definitely a FEAST. However, though this WAS a little more OUT THERE than our usual "EVERY DAY," Mondays ARE usually a more formal dinner day, simply because I am home to prepare it. While I cooked, Seneca set the table for us....one of her FAVORITE "jobs." :-)

Jeff joined us for dinner and Family Home Evening. Jeff is most definitely becoming a favorite part of our "EVERY DAY." Kaden & Seneca both always thank Heavenly Father in their prayers that Jeff could be with us...every time he joins us. That makes my heart SO happy that they love being around him.

All four of us were in HEAVEN at dinner. Jeff mentioned that he hadn't had a meal like that in a very long time. Serving Jeff and my babies already fills my heart with SO much joy. And yet, all three of them are always so grateful, that it brings that joy to an entirely different level. :-) Kaden was SO excited to try crab for the first time and BOTH of my babies absolutely LOVED IT. Seneca very likely ate more shrimp than anyone at the table. :-)



Before we all ate, Jeff gave a little "tutorial" on how to eat crab. :-) Then, we enjoyed the delicious spread, talked about our days, went around the table sharing our "HIGHS AND LOWS," and had such a fun meal together. It was most definitely a meal that I will always remember.

After dinner, we cleaned up and headed to the family room for Family Home Evening. Kaden conducted (as is always the case), Seneca led the song, I prayed and Jeff had prepared the lesson. I can't express to you enough what that 20 minutes meant to me. My heart swelled as I felt a unity of purpose that I have craved my entire adult life. Jeff has joined us a number of times for FHE, but there was something really powerful about this one. Sitting there holding Jeff's hand, as he shared a BEAUTIFUL lesson from the scriptures about developing and sharing our talents (SUCH a perfect theme for us) and involving my babies throughout the entire thing, I felt so overwhelmed in that perfect moment. Being taught by a miracle-of-a-man who LOVES GOD and loves me, surrounded by my babies who are my world....spending time together in this beautiful home, learning about Christ....it was everything I have ever dreamed of.

After Jeff's lesson, we all got down on the floor and played a few rounds of "A POCKET FULL OF RHYMES." Seneca is so cute, I could die. She had (for no real purpose...other than just because) written all of our names (including Jeff's) on the backside of each of the match cards. So cute. 




After "A POCKET FULL OF RHYMES," we played a few games of CHUTES & LADDERS. After games, the kiddies got ready for bed and we went through our wonderful bedtime rituals (prayers, lullaby and daily affirmations [recited by my babies nightly for almost 2 1/2 years now]..."I have peace in my heart. I am kind to everyone. I choose to be happy. I love who I am.") and I snuggled my little ones up for bed. We have done the same routine for as long as I can remember. And just like clockwork, they were sound asleep about 4 minutes after tucking them in. Amazing.

When I finished putting the kids to bed, Jeff was laying on the couch. I snuggled right up next to him and we had some priceless "US" time. The entire evening was like a dream.  Simply because I am not even sure how to share with you what this night meant to me, I will just say that it was a Family Home Evening that I will never forget.....and nothing short of a piece of Heaven. I hate to admit this, but I think I might have somehow convinced myself years ago, that I just might never have everything I wished for.  I think it made it easier for me to deal with the fact that I hadn't ever HAD the true desires of my heart. But in those few moments at the end of the day, held so tight in Jeff's arms and after the most wonderful "EVERY DAY," my heart pounded and I felt the most overwhelmingly beautiful confirmation that every righteous desire of my heart WOULD be mine. How long and how much I have ached for this. Yet through it all, God has been right there....as always. What a miracle to have a taste of what I KNOW He has in store for me (and always DID have in store for me..."in HIS own time")....after waiting so very long.

God is so very good. Not EVERY "EVERY DAY" is as full and exciting as this one was. But for our precious little family, EVERY SINGLE ONE of our "EVERY DAYS," no matter what, is a BLESSING and is filled with more than just a little bit of Divinity.

{twins day}

I can't think of any other calling, profession, etc. that is more fulfilling to me than being a mother. As much as I do love my work and am so grateful to have it, there is NOWHERE I would rather be than with my babies. It kills me being away from them when I am at work. But as a result, we most definitely make the most of every moment we do have together.  Oh how I love my little ones. I am fairly certain that a mother's love could never adequately be described with words.  One of my very favorite things about being a mom, is getting involved with my little ones and their MANY school activities.

Last Friday was "TWINS DAY" at school. Kaden and one of his buddies both made it easy and dressed alike with jeans and a black t-shirt. I had arranged for a fun play date on Friday morning at our house with one of Seneca's cute little friends from school (who I have seriously fallen in love with after getting to know her when I volunteer in Seneca's class on a regular basis). She is such a doll. When she came over Friday morning, we immediately set to work picking out SENECA'S outfit to match so that they could be twins. On top of their outfits, we decided to have them make each other matching shoelace bracelets.


If that wasn't enough, the girls both went crazy when I suggested that we give them matching manicures. :-) Oh what fun I had with these two sweet and giggly girls all morning - so excited to show up at school looking so much alike for "Twins Day" ("except that one has brown hair and one has blond hair...and except that Seneca is so much taller [approx.8 inches actually]." LOL!) What a blessing my little ones are..and how grateful I am that despite my necessary work situation, I am still able to be so actively involved. Truth be told...no matter what, I would do whatever it took to MAKE time to be involved. They are far too important to me. *sigh* I so love being a mom.

{i laugh so hard that i cry}

For Christmas this year, my sweet "mirror friend" Heather gave me the most perfect set of magnets that are SO ridiculously "ME." I couldn't HELP but post a picture of THIS particular one after one of my most favorite days with Jeff so far. Though I have always been a "glass-half full" person and find happiness in every situation, I used to have to really think for a while to pick out SPECIFIC days when I felt such amazingly PURE JOY (other than memories of my babies...which happen almost EVERY SINGLE DAY). Lately, it seems as if I have to think EQUALLY as hard to pick out specific days when I HAVE NOT feel such amazingly PURE JOY. I feel so richly blessed. The happiness in my life is beyond description....and so beautifully balances the great storms I am also blessed with. And yet, though EVERY single day is filled with happiness, every now and again, one really stands out.

This past Sunday was one of those days. What an amazing day of worship....and such ridiculously stimulating and uplifting conversation with my best friend. Jeff and I listened to a talk by Marion G. Romney that was given to a group  of students titled, "Socialism vs. The United Order." We proceeded to discuss the talk for HOURS afterwards....which led to so many other topics of conversation. I can't even put into words what that level of intellectual stimulation does for me. I can almost feel my soul vibrate when we reach the level of synergy that we do each time we talk to each other. It is not even of this world. It is DIVINE.

While we enjoyed a bite to eat for lunch, we started talking about many of the movies that we have watched together and realized that we tend to watch movies that always encourage deep thought and inspire interpretation....and not many comedies. We both expressed that although we are drawn to that genre, that we both THOROUGHLY enjoy a good comedy as well....and even a good "brainless comedy" every now and again. :-D However, generally, we both love a good SMART comedy. That topic NATURALLY led us to quoting "Monty Python and the Holy Grail." Oh my heart. What happened after that for the next few hours was the most beautiful thing.....laughter so genuine and pure that it made my heart swell. We laughed so hard.....but not as hard as we both did when Jeff reminded us of the 'BRAVE BRAVE SIR ROBIN' scene from the movie. I had never really heard Jeff giggle uncontrollably until that moment. We both were a hot mess.....completely unable to maintain composure, even though our stomaches ached from laughing so hard. And that was just RECALLING the general gist of the scene from our own memories. Once we brought up the clip on YOUTUBE, it was all over. We laughed so hard and so long that we cried. Even tonight, days later, we both start laughing when either of us started singing..."Brave Sir Robin ran away, he bravely ran away away. When danger reared it's ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled. Brave Sir Robin bravely turned about...and gallantly he chickened out."
It was so amazing...and so pure....SUCH a miracle. Experiencing laughter that hearty and genuine after already feeling so amazingly fulfillled from such uplifting conversation with the man that I am so deeply in love with, has to be one of the MOST amazing feelings I have ever experienced in my life. Among so many other great blessings I have in my life, that is yet another GIFT Jeff has given me....the gift of laughter -- laughing so hard that I cry.

{understanding...and never forgotten}

When people look back at challenging years in their lives, they tend to re-write history and suddenly believe "I was never happy" or "I was never in love with that person." More often than not, that is simply not true. At least not completely. The truth is, it seems to be a coping mechanism for many, this "re-writing of history," to help them get over the hurt. See, if you can convince YOURSELF that you were "never in love" or "never happy," then there is much LESS pain to deal with. As unhealthy as that sounds, to a heart who is aching, I can see why so many turn to that method of "therapy." Perhaps it's simply to make it easier to move on. I've never really believed in doing things the easy way...and I don't think it's the healthiest way either. When it comes down to it though....who am I to judge how a broken heart chooses to heal?! I personally would never be able to truthfully say "I was never happy." That's just ridiculous. I have had MUCH happiness in my life...and much happiness throughout very challenging years of my life. I wish I could honestly say that it was joy....that pure joy that penetrates clear to your soul. And there WERE definitely MOMENTS of that....true. (To say that the birth of my babies and their very lives created anything less than the very purest form of joy would be a gross understatement.) But whether or not my happiness was only surface deep and/or fleeting, it was still most definitely there. And in those years, I got used to that sort of happiness...and expected nothing more. I had no idea what I was missing and what God had in store for me...

I don't want what I just wrote to be misinterpreted as me suddenly finding happiness as a result of my divorce. That is absolutely not the case. It is far MORE attributed to a change WITHIN ME. Was my divorce possibly a catalyst to those changes in my particular case? Perhaps. I don't know. Despite how and why and when it all happened, I will never even for a moment regret my marriage to a good man that was doing the best he could with the knowledge he had....as we all do, with the knowledge we have. Every experience God has BLESSED my life with, created a woman who was RIPE and READY for a serious transformation and refining. And how could I ever, ever feel any regret about the PROCESS that got me to that point?! This is a rather sensitive topic, but so important for me to document for myself and my posterity. I will do my best to address it with great care and compassion.

Simply stated, though I did have many moments of happiness, I felt very unfulfilled in many ways and for many years of my life. I had a breakthrough this weekend that I had never thought about until now and feel so compelled to record it. I feel I have always had a very vibrant mind that craves learning. I am so grateful to my loving Heavenly Father for that beautiful gift. For many many years, that mind went unstretched...unused..unstimulated. I grasped here and there for creative outlets and associations with work opportunities that would help me use the mind that I had been given. Still, nothing seemed to satisfy the intellectual hunger that I felt. I have continued to feel a little aching for the years that "my mind went unnourished." At least, that was until I had the most wonderful breakthrough in a conversation with Jeff this weekend that created so much understanding.

Why is it that no matter how many times God carries us, we still have moments (no matter how brief) where we wonder whether or not He is aware of us?! Praise Him for loving us so unconditionally...despite our shortcomings. How could we possibly doubt His hand in our lives?! THIS is where the greatest change has been in my life. I have always known that there is a blessing in every trial. THAT, I do know. But what I hadn't realized until this past weekend, is that I had actually missed one. I had missed a major blessing that had been given to me. Who would have thought that having my mind lack the stimulation that it craved (for almost a decade) would actually end up being one of my greatest blessings?! And to take that even deeper.....who would have thought that that void would serve an amazing purpose in my own personal spiritual growth?! Now that I have had this breakthrough, it seems so BLATENTLY OBVIOUS!!! How could I have EVER doubted God's purpose for me?!

How often do our minds get in the way of our hearts and our spirits?! That considered, what if all you HAD was your HEART and your SPIRIT to rely on?! What if all you HAD is GOD to rely on?! I read online once, that you learn very quickly how strong you are....when being strong is the only choice you have. So often, our mind comes in between us and God. But when our hearts are aching and our spirits LONG for comfort.....we not only SEEK God, but we DESPERATELY GRASP FOR HIM and HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE. I NEEDED that sort of "JOLT" in my life. A "JOLT" that would send me RUNNING to my Savior, CLINGING to Him for comfort and mercy!!!! I needed a "JOLT" that would not only make God and Jesus Christ the foundation of my LIFE....but would make them the CENTER of MY LIFE!!!! I needed a "JOLT" that would ensure that my MIND would ALWAYS, ALWAYS be turned to Them, no MATTER where my life's journey would take me. God knew that if my heart and my soul were completely and utterly converted to Him, that my mind always would be as well.

There are many things that I am NOT good at. But I do believe (and this has NOTHING to do with me, since I truly believe it was simply a GIFT, due to God's great mercy) that I was given a strong, fighting spirit. However, as with any gifts and talents that our loving Heavenly Father has given to us, I'm fairly certain that my spirit very easily could have given up and become weak...if I had allowed it to become such. Thank goodness He paired that gift with an optimistic attitude and a stubbornness, that when chaneled, would force my spirit to become unbreakable. No...Matter...What. What an amazing refiner's fire my heart, soul and spirit were blessed to endure while my mind sat and waited, so often aching for some sort of stimulation and refining as well. Again, I have to ask myself...why did I ever doubt for a moment, God's purpose for me?! All in HIS own time...not my own. How many times have we heard that and STILL question that He is so very aware of us!? How often I had ached for peace...and how often do we go LOOKING for it?! Bless our sweet hearts for allowing our MINDS to try and find the answer to our search for peace. If that is the method we use....we will always, always be searching.....to no avail. For as a beautiful plaque here in my home so eloquently states, "Peace on the outside comes from knowing God on the inside."

SO often, people around me comment about the passion that I have for life, for God, for my Savior, for my babies, my family, my angel friends....and for my best friend and love. It is true that I am most definitely more outgoing than many. But my personality has nothing to do with my conviction. Just because you are more reserved, does not mean that you cannot FEEL this same passion, with the same intensity that I do...simply because I EXPRESS it more openly. The passion I feel CAN be sought...and found...in Christ. I am not His "favorite." I have not been blessed with a limited edition of CONVINCTION of His love for us. It can, and WILL BE, freely given to all those who SEEK IT!!!! I promise you that.

And that brings me to today. After so many years of what often felt like "drought" when it came to intellectual stimulation (for a purpose that is now so clear to me), God has seen that my HEART, SOUL and SPIRIT are truly His...and has sent me a miracle greater than any void I ever felt. I will praise Him every day of my life, every SINGLE day of my life, for sending me a man who not only craves learning just as I do, but a beautiful synergy between us that creates mutual intellectual stimulation that is, in my opinion and my experience, unmatched. Oh Heather...."Oh ye of little faith." How could I have doubted Him?! How much greater is my joy, because of the heartache I have felt!! "In the midst of affliction, my table is spread. With blessings unmeasured, my cup runneth o'er." How small, how brief that period of time that God required my mind to wait for a mere moment and allow my HEART and SOUL to turn to Him! He never meant for it to wait and feel a void forever. And now, with my HEART and SOUL and SPIRIT and MIND together, WHOLE and COMPLETE, FULFILLED beyond measure...and SO HOPEFULLY LOST in my SAVIOR....the passion inside of me is almost too overwhelming to even HOPE to describe to anyone. There has been only one instance that I heard something that came close to what I am feeling and feel on very regular basis. A few weeks ago, as Jeff and I sat in his Sacrament Meeting together, a scripture was read that I have heard a thousand times. Never before did it resonate as it did that day. I very literally almost jumped out of my seat. NO WORDS could more accurately describe how I feel today. ALMA 36:20..."And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!"

What a blessing it is to gain UNDERSTANDING. So often, we feel like we are fighting a battle that we didn't choose, for a cause and purpose we are unsure of...with an ending that we feel may never come. To those who are in battle today, and perhaps even as a reminder to MYSELF, should I ever lose sight even for a moment, I share my most pure and sincere testimony with you, that GOD HAS NOT FORGOTTEN US!! On the contrary...NO ONE is MORE aware of us and knows us more intimately than He does. EVERY battle, EVERY scar, EVERY void, EVERY ache.....it is all for a very Divine purpose. Understanding may not come until years later. It may not even come until we see Him again. But this I testify to you....that it WILL come. "There WILL be a day with no more tears, no more pain, no more fears. There will be a day, when the burdens of this place, will be no more. We'll see Jesus face to face." (Jeremy Camp) That may be when we truly DO see Jesus Christ face to face. But it may also be when we open our hearts, our souls and our spirits to Him and make Him the CENTER of our lives....TODAY. Either way, we WILL gain understanding and perspective...and see that EVERYTHING was for our good. Praise God for loving us unconditionally AS WE ARE. But PRAISE HIM FOREVER, for loving us TOO MUCH, to allow us to STAY as we are!!

{meeting "mama bear"}

I think I have been anxious to meet Jeff's mother, who he affectionately calls "Mama Bear," since Thanksgiving weekend of last year. That was the first time that Jeff shared one of his mom's e-mails with me. From almost the first paragraph of that first e-mail, I was hooked...and couldn't wait to meet her. Karen is an amazing writer....one that captivates you with her brilliant use of language and a gift for detail that makes her characters literally come to life for us. She is currently living out of state and meeting so many unique and interesting people, all of whom have become the "characters" in the stories she shares with us via e-mail. Jeff started reading her e-mails to me that weekend in Thanksgiving...and we haven't missed an e-mail yet. I am not exaggerating when I say that I wait with bated breath for each new e-mail, wondering what adventures "Mama Bear" has had, how the plot has thickened with old characters and whether or not there are any new ones. In the beginning, she wrote about once or twice a week. However, since Christmas, she has started writing quite a bit more often. Jeff and I love reading together...and sometimes I wonder whether he ever gets tired of me asking, "Has your mom written yet?" :-) Since I had not ever met Karen, each e-mail truly felt like a story by some amazingly talented and unknown author, instead of "a life update from Jeff's mom." Does that make sense?! It does in my head. LOL! And so, as you can imagine, I have been so thoroughly excited to meet Karen, on more levels than one. Just the fact that she is Jeff's mom makes it an honor enough to get to know her. And yet, as funny as this might sound, there was this giddy excitement to meet the AUTHOR whose stories we have been reading the past few months and over the possibility that during our meeting she JUST might leak out a few more details, or *gasp* maybe even a few PICTURES, of some of the characters in her stories. :-) Needless to say, I have been VERY excited to meet her.

What a blessing that this past week was the week that "Mama Bear" came home to visit and we were finally able to meet. What I failed to mention was that Karen had actually surprised me on Christmas Day with a phone call. And yet, as fun as it was to chat with her for 45 minutes or so at that time, it was nothing compared to how wonderful it was to meet her in person. I have so much respect for mothers....even more since BECOMING a mother myself. Just knowing that she is the mother of the man I love, made me love her from the start. What an awesome moment to greet "Mama Bear" at Jeff's house with an enormous hug and be completely enveloped in the fur from her beloved racoon coat - a coat that is often mentioned in her writings and is even more impressive in person. Karen is such good energy and so gracious.

I was so touched, that within moments of arriving, she presenting me with a beautiful gift - a copy of "Emma & Lucy," signed by the author, just for me. But admittedly, nothing filled my heart more (and Jeff's I believe, as well) than listening to "Mama Bear's" squeals and gasps and shouts of joy as she walked through Jeff's beautiful home commenting on every single detail. (Click on "Jeff's beautiful home" for a tour, in case you missed it. I blogged about it last night, but filed it chronologically here on my blog)...If ever there was a moment that made every moment of our hard work worth it...it was that one.


Lindsay and Lyndon arrived soon after and we had such a wonderful time together, chatting for hours over a delicious meal I had prepared for us. It was such a beautiful feeling to feel so at home with such new friends. At one point, Lyndon, Lindsay and Jeff headed into Jeff's room to share notes on hand guns. Karen and I sat out at the dining table and had such a wonderful visit. It seemed like they were in his room for quite a while, because we were able to cover a lot in our discussion. :-) She is such a beautiful woman...in so many ways. I love so much about her...down to how she so lovingly refers to Jeff as "Son." :-)I was so grateful for a few moments alone with her. There wasn't a single moment in the time that we spent with Jeff's family that I felt out of place or "new." Such an awesome day.

How grateful I am for the time that I was able to spend with Karen, Lindsay and Lyndon and even more so, to be able to spend additional time with Karen when Jeff and I took her out to sushi this week. So fun to introduce her to "our place" - Blue Fish - and especially to introduce her to the "Ecstasy Roll" and other favorites. By the way, if you love sushi and have never tried the "Ecstasy Roll" at Blue Fish, pardon my bluntness, but....YOU...HAVE...NOT...LIVED! :-) It is DIVINE! We ate and ate and ate until we couldn't eat any more.

Karen fell in love with "our place" and was also so grateful for the small gift I had made for her - two canvas-finished photo blocks (8x10 and 5x7) with pictures from Lindsay's wedding (pictures that, apparently, she hadn't even seen yet). I also made a set of canvas-finished photo blocks for Lindsay and Lyndon (8x10 and 5x7), "just because."

I haven't actually given the blocks to them yet, so if you guys are reading this blog before Jeff and I make it over to your house this weekend..............SURPRISE!!! :-)

All in all, meeting "Mama Bear" for the first time was as wonderful as I expected it would be. Yet, as much as I loved having her here and am so looking forward to seeing her again in a few months, I have to admit that I was slightly excited for her to leave again....because as I am sure you can guess, the stories don't continue and the plot doesn't thicken until she's away from home, writing again.

{my cup runneth over}

You already know how much I love music...that it truly speaks to my soul. God has SO many ways of speaking to His children, and I KNOW, without a doubt, that God speaks to me through music...and often. Although there are SO many songs that are meaningful to me, every now and again, I will hear a song that is more than just beautiful.....it truly STRIKES me and makes me almost fall to my knees. I haven't been able to stop listening to this beautiful song today, "Jesus, Friend of Sinners" by Casting Crowns....over and over and over. I can't describe to you how I feel listening to these beautiful words. Yet somehow, I almost feel as if this song has simply (but powerfully) awoken the PASSION I feel about this beautiful message that already resonates in my soul. I can very literally feel my heart pound and my soul vibrate. EVERYTHING about this song...the music, the harmony...and the lyrics...the beautiful lyrics. I find myself clutching my heart (almost as if to prevent it from exploding), knodding my head in sweet agreement and allowing tears to freely fall as every single word resonates in my heart and soul.  In a quiet moment today...listen. Then listen to it again. Then read the lyrics I have posted...then listen to it again. Oh that these lyrics were burned into our very souls and that our lives would REFLECT a change for the better. Oh that we could all "put down our signs, cross over the lines and LOVE as He did." My heart is already SO very full today for SO many reasons (oh that I had time to expound on my joy!!!). And on top of all of that, this beautiful message that struck me to my very core.... My cup truly runneth over today.

"Jesus, Friend Of Sinners"
by Casting Crowns

Jesus, friend of sinners, we have strayed so far away
We cut down people in your name but the sword was never ours to swing
Jesus, friend of sinners, the truth's become so hard to see
The world is on their way to You but they're tripping over me
Always looking around but never looking up I'm so double minded
A plank eyed saint with dirty hands and a heart divided

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours

Yeah...

Jesus, friend of sinners, the one who's writing in the sand
Make the righteous turn away and the stones fall from their hands
Help us to remember we are all the least of thieves
Let the memory of Your mercy bring Your people to their knees
No one knows what we're for only against when we judge the wounded
What if we put down our signs crossed over the lines and loved like You did

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours

You love every lost cause; you reach for the outcast
For the leper and the lame; they're the reason that You came
Lord I was that lost cause and I was the outcast
But you died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet

'Cause You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks Yours

And I was the lost cause and I was the outcast
Yeah...
You died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet

{salsa lessons}

I've always been really interested in those who have been given the spiritual gift of receiving revelation through dreams. Apparently, that is not my gift. Bless my heart. LOL! I have had a few dreams that have been spiritually moving and meaningful...and someday, I will blog about those. But those few dreams stand out so much, because they are so far from the norm. On the whole, my dreams are completely bizarre and meaningless. I am fairly certain that as a result of the many responsibilities in my "real" life, my subconscious chooses to have a FIELD DAY the moment I close my eyes....THRILLED to have a moment to relax, let go and even be a little crazy. I am very impressed and proud of my subconscious for the level of creativity it is able to reach. Pure awesomeness. I had just been telling Jeff two nights ago about one of my [few and far between] meaningful dreams...and explaining how rare they were. It was THAT night that I had the perfect example of one of my fabulously normal dreams.

It started out abnormal from the beginning, because I was going on a vacation. LOL! Seriously though....I can't remember where we were going, but I know that Jeff was there and my sister Kim was there. I can't remember who else was there, but there was a group of us. Somehow, my luggage was lost by Southwest and because our vacation was so brief, I was forced to "enjoy" the vacation without any of my clothes, etc. My luggage was not found until we returned to the airport here in Salt Lake City. Thinking that I was going to SHOW Southwest, I remember turning to Jeff and Kim and saying, "It's okay....I am just going to get them to give me a free flight for the inconvenience." (Love the confidence. Hit it!) I walked right up to the desk and politely demanded to be compensated in such a manner. Remembering the lady's happy face almost makes me laugh out loud.....partially because I know what she said next. She was so OVERLY accomodating...almost obnoxiously happy. Oh my....you know who she reminded me of? The stewardess on "Meet the Parents." LOL! So funny...that was TOTALLY HER. Anyway....she smiled her biggest and whitest ORBIT GUM smile and said, "I am so sorry for the inconvenience and we would like to offer you one of our greatest compensation packages." I remember turning to Kim and Jeff and smiling....thinking, "Here we go...I am the big winner."

Regina, the overly happy Southwest gal, (I don't know her name...so she shall heretoforth be referred to as "Regina") reached under her desk and pulled out a business card and handed it to me. I remember it having the name of a Latin man. I can't remember what his name was, but I do VIVIDLY remember that Regina was OVERLY excited about it. She was the sort that is passionately excited to just be upright and breathing. LOL! Anyway...as she handed me the business card, I was a little confused, but confident that Regina would explain it all to me and that I was going to be "a big winner." Regina told me to call this gentleman and make an appointment for me to take two salsa lessons at $20 each....which I was to be paying for. I am almost laughing out loud remembering how excited Regina was about these salsa lessons...and this great opportunity she was giving me. I was then told that Senor Salsa Lessons Guy would sign a voucher at the end of the second lesson and I was to bring that back to Southwest. Upon receipt of that voucher (Regina paused for emphasis and flashed her beautiful smile at me....with a twinkle in her eye), she would issue me a credit of $9.40 towards my next flight with Southwest..."Again, we apologize for the inconvenience, but are excited to share this great compensation package with you. Have a nice day."

Annnnd that was it. Ummm..what? LOL! And the last thing I remember was waking up feeling REALLY upset at Southwest Airlines. LOL! I'm not sure why I even found this blog-worthy. But perhaps someday, my posterity will wonder whether or not their great great great great grandmother Heather ever had amazingly meaningful dreams. The answer my precious loves is...no. There are a few exceptions. One of them (a recurring dream over the space of many years regarding my sweet Seneca)...and another more recent one that I will blog about someday. But generally, though thoroughly entertaining and light-hearted, my dreams tend to be a load of rubbish. But on the up side, as far as THIS particular dream is concerned, I really shouldn't be so ungrateful. I WAS "compensated generously" with $9.40 toward my next flight...and given the opportunity to LEARN how to salsa. How dare I even THINK of complaining about something as fortunate as that? :-)

{five months....and he's all i know}

Celebrating five months today. Five months since God brought Jeff into my life. Unfortunately, I don't have much that I can give him other than my heart at the moment. However, I surprised him tonight with homemade chocolate chip cookies (his favorite), a card and a gift that to most would seem more than a little random. Jeff and I are carbon copies in so many ways. During a rather random conversation with good friends about a month ago, we were all asked to share what our favorite kitchen appliance was. If Jeff and I weren't on the same wavelength as often as we are, I would not have believed that we BOTH just "happen" to have the same favorite "appliance." THE EGG SLICER!!! Not only is it our favorite....but it is our favorite for the same funky reasons. LOL! So random. Such a lame thing...but a fun symbol of how often our thinking is so completely the same. The best part of tonight, however, was snuggling up and sharing our favorite "us" memories. I can't believe how many amazing memories we have made in such a short amount of time. Jeff is my best friend...and truly my soul's mate. What a blessing to have a relationship so worthy of celebration.

I hadn't realized really, until I actually vocalized it to Jeff tonight.....that the most interesting thing has happened since he came into my life, and specifically the past few weeks. I'm not sure that I can even put what I am feeling into words....because it's hard for me to even understand completely. The growth and the strength that I have received from everything that has happened in my life is still here....and the strong woman I am today is the result of those experiences. But everything that happened...the pain and the aching....everything....even past relationships....it is all almost like a dream now. Jeff and I have spent so much time together....so much...that the only thing that seems real to me now.....is us. I can't even remember how my life was before him. How can that be? How could everything that was so painful just....be gone? I always worried about my poor heart that had been through so much....whether it had the strength to ever trust and attempt to love again. But the hurt is completely gone....almost as if it was never there. No. Not as if it was never there....because my heart is STRONGER, DUE to everything it has been through...just as I am. More accurately, not only has my heart healed completely, but it feels and beats and loves stronger than it ever has in my life. I can't really describe how I feel....and maybe this feeling is simply BEYOND words...and not MEANT to be described. However, although I KNOW the reality of my past hurts.....if I didn't know better, I would think it was all a dream. Jeff, our completely healthy, transparent and unmatched connection, this pure and complete happiness and the love I feel for him...is all that I can see.

A few months ago, a girlfriend of mine posted a quote on her Facebook wall (the quote I printed over our picture above)...and I only glanced at it briefly. I remember thinking it was cute....but it didn't impact me enough to even make me want to save it. I actually completely forgot about it until RIGHT NOW while I was sitting here doing my best to describe what I am feeling. And it suddenly came back to me. NOW it has meaning for me...because this is exactly....exactly what Jeff has done.  This saying or quote...or whatever it is...is no longer just a "cute" thing that every woman longs for. It is my reality. Five months....and he's all I know.

{i have everything}

The past month...and technically, the past few years....I feel as if I have lost so much in my life. And yet, in the midst of the loss, I have NEVER in my life felt so richly blessed. After a very challenging week this week..and MUCH loss....I am sitting here tonight experiencing an amazing breakthrough that I feel compelled to write about briefly. My day today has been filled with so much LIGHT. I was blessed to spend the day with my sweet angel babies, to have Deanna - one of my dearest friends - serve me so selflessly by playing with my little ones this afternoon while I ran grocery shopping and got a few other errands done (and returned home to see that my landlord had finished putting Kaden's bedroom back together after the flood this week and Deanna had completely picked up and vacuumed with the help of my little ones while I was away), have the most enlightening and uplifting conversation with a beautiful, sweet girlfriend of mine who I know God recently and very deliberately brought into my life for a Divine purpose and to spend the night preparing a small gift for my best friend....and love.


A few minutes ago, I went in to check on my babies and stole kisses from both of them while they were sleeping. I immediately lost my breath and tears spilled down my cheeks. I love them so much that they take my breath away. I have my babies....my two greatest miracles.

I have accepted Jesus Christ as my own personal Savior and have a very personal relationship with Him and with a very loving and compassionate God, whose hand I see in my life on a DAILY basis.

I have a family that is so supportive and loving. I have friends who love me unconditionally. I have a man in my life who makes me feel so alive and as if my heart is truly beating for the first time.....and am experiencing love that is more pure than I have ever felt in my life.

God has blessed me with a warrior spirit that never gives up and bounces back QUICKLY and ten times stronger after each fall. I have nothing but love and the purest peace in my heart and my soul. As I am reminded of how much has been lost.....I can't help but sit back, let the tears roll down my face and thank God, as I realize that even with all that has been lost.....

I....have.....everything.