If there's anyone who knows what love is, it's me. There are many things that I can't do, but I can do love and it's something I do well. I love people. All people. I love them instantly, purely and unconditionally. I often get frustrated that I can't adequately EXPRESS in words and actions the great love I feel for others....to the EXTENT that I feel it in my heart and soul. A very dear friend of mine told me once, "Heather, I truly believe you love others as God does...and that your human body simply can't contain it." Yes, if there's anyone who knows what love is, it's me.
However, if you were to have asked me what I knew about FALLING in love....I'm not sure I would have been able to give you an adequate description of what that feels like exactly – because I didn’t know. The first time around, I thought I knew what it felt like. I thought I knew what falling in love was. I was so young. I did the best with the knowledge I had. And I found a good man who was doing the same. And we thought we knew what love was. And we did our best for many years. And though we have moved on and gone our separate ways, I will always be grateful to God for those years of growth and learning. They have, in part, made me the woman that I am today. And for that, I am eternally grateful. And yet, part of me still longed to feel that feeling that so many attempt to describe in countless mediums (in writing, in music, in art, etc.)....that “magical” feeling of falling in love. Being so in love that you wonder how your heart could possibly have been beating before that person came into your life. The feeling that every single void in your life - in your heart, your mind, and in your soul is completely satisfied and filled by that one person. The feeling that there is nowhere in the world you would rather be, than in that person's arms. The feeling that every breath you take, every moment you live, is a gift.....for it allows you one more moment to be with that one person. The feeling that although you are whole on your own (as I feel now)....you feel that aching void when you are apart. The feeling that the stars have aligned and that although you may be living in indescribably challenging storms, that the sun is ALWAYS shining for you....because you are in love. No, I didn’t know much about that. And I am ashamed to say that for many years, I had given up on ever discovering it....and had accepted that perhaps those feelings weren't meant for me. No, if you were to have asked me what I knew about FALLING in love, I would not have had much to say.
This summer, I was blessed to be dating two very good men. Both of them knew each other and knew that I was simply not ready for a committed relationship, but still enjoyed our time together and was open to whatever God had planned for those friendships. However, though much of my free time was spent with these two dear friends, I still felt such an overwhelming void. I felt strongly that I was in need of new energy, intellectual stimulation and…just…..something. I couldn’t put my finger on it completely, but there was something missing…and I felt the pain of the void.
I have felt so compelled to write this entry, that I am opening up a little more than even I am used to (about my personal life) in order to do so. This entry will be long. It's not really meant to be read by anyone else. But if you have a spare 87 minutes and would like to sit and read this story, then I am honored to share it with you. This is not meant to be a "work of art" by any means.....but simply the very raw and honest feelings from my heart and is also purely meant for my own personal record. :-)
In the middle of July, I decided that I needed to step back from dating both of these gentlemen and take some time to find out more about myself and what it was that I needed. One of my dearest girlfriends, Sherri, strongly encouraged me to set up a profile on LDSPLANET.COM, an online dating website. Just the thought of doing that, gave me a stomachache. I had very consciously stayed away from going online and also didn’t feel a need to do so, since I had been dating enough already. However, Sherri continued to encourage me and after a lot of thought (understatement), I decided to give it a go. I was missing something…..and I didn’t know what it was. I did know that I was not being intellectually stimulated…and I crave that so much. Part of me also wanted to get to know people that were not in my immediate circle of friends. It seemed as if “everyone knew everyone” in the group of mid-singles here in Salt Lake County. I was craving new energy. And Sherri was right….unless I stepped out of my comfort zone and took a risk, I wasn’t sure to find it. To say that I was nervous is the understatement of the Century. I sat and deliberated about what to write on my profile for over an hour before even starting to write. I decided that if I was going to do this….I was going to give it my all and that I would put myself (my TRUE self) out there…100%. As I was still at a loss, Sherri assisted me by coming up with my online name “VisibleLight.” Even remembering her sweet comments about WHY she thought I should use that name makes me teary yet again. Sherri..how I love you, my sweet friend.
It’s impossible for ANYONE to sum up who they are in the allotted amount of space on ANY of these dating sites. How could we possibly? And so, I chose to focus on what is MOST important in my life. And so, I began to write my online profile. And this was the result….
“How can any person be summed up in a short paragraph? It seems like that is an injustice for anyone. I would much rather connect on a personal basis. However, because that’s how things are done here online (still so new to this), I will attempt to do just that….I am a "glass half full" person...one who finds the blessing in every "trial." I am upbeat, outgoing, friendly (a BLUE/YELLOW!!) and spontaneous....and yet, can also be quiet, VERY snuggly and always up for hours of good intellectual conversation. Circumstances do not affect my happiness. I choose to be happy and kind every day...DESPITE the circumstances. I am very personable and thrive on being around people with positive and uplifting energy…and yet,also enjoy lifting others and sharing my OWN positive energy with them at every opportunity. I am open and uncensored and communicate well.I pride myself on being a “safe place” and have been told that that is something very unique about me.
Jesus Christ is the center of my life (LDS)...and close beside Him are my two little ones. For the majority of my life, I am ashamed to admit that I was “embarrassed” to discuss spiritual matters and that is something that was seriously missing in past relationships. I thought it was “cheesy” and I didn’t want to come across as a “Molly Mormon.” The past two years, I feel as if I have come to TRULY know Christ for the first time (even having grown up in a very strong LDS home my entire life) and now can’t STOP talking about Him and about God…because I see Their Hands EVERYWHERE in my daily life. I CAN’T stop talking about Them…and have gained the newfound wisdom that the man I want to spend my life with will be DRAWN to this quality…and not pushed away by it. I am NOT ashamed of my unfailing and passionate love for Christ. I know now, that it is possible to be a CRAZY FUN and ATTRACTIVE woman who PASSIONATELY loves her Savior…all in one. And there is NOTHING “cheesy” about that. Despite challenges that may come, life is ALWAYS a blessing to me!! I am not perfect, but I have learned that you do not have to be perfect to be worthy of God’s PERFECT Grace and Love. Life is amazing…always.
I am low-maintenance but still appreciate "well-thought-out quality time." As long as the activity provides plenty of CHAT time to get to know each other, I am open. I love being ACTIVE, but I also love a quiet night to snuggle up for a good movie. As “low maintenance” as I am, I do however, enjoy GOOD cuisine. I do like to dine exquisitely, but also am seriously down for "hole in the wall" or "street vendor" food too! :-) The amount of money it costs does NOT necessarily mean it is awesome food. ;-) I am easy to please...I love getting dressed to the nines to hit the town...or hangin out in warm ups and snuggling up for a movie night. I LOVE DANCING and am CRAZY FUN to be around! ;-)
My two babies…my miracles…are my life. Whoever I end up sharing the rest of my life with, whenever that may happen, in whatever time table God sees fit…will love them as I do. And the right man won’t be able to resist…they are angels. They love as strong as I do…and the three of us love COMPLETELY, UNCONDITIONALLY (to the very definition of the word) and more INTENSE than you could imagine.”
Since I had completely avoided going online, I had no idea what to expect. And I’m pretty sure that the result I received, I never would have expected anyway. Without meaning to sound puffed up in any way, I was overwhelmed with the response…and not exactly overwhelmed in a positive way. It was too much. I am such a busy person and so involved with my babies and other responsibilities, that I didn’t have time to respond to hundreds of people that I didn’t know. And so, I ended up using a variety of criteria to narrow hundreds down to 12. Oddly enough, it was actually pretty easy to do. And without going into any immense detail (because, after all, this is only PART of the story…the beginning…that is leading to a greater story), I got to know all 12 of these gentlemen here and there within the course of that month…and went out on dates with all 12 of them. Like I said, I had decided that if I was going to do it at all…I would JUMP in and do it with my whole heart.
By the second week of August, I was exhausted. It was too much. Dating online makes you feel like you, as a PERSON, are a dating service…hiring yourself out for the evening and only getting to know each one on the surface. It was not a good feeling…and was SO much maintenance. Those of you who have done it….you know, without further explanation. I realized then, very clearly, that although I didn’t feel ready for a relationship, that I am a “relationship person.” I don’t care to date a million people all at once. I want to find someone…and invest. I want to focus on truly getting to know someone….to their very core…and find out why God brought them into my life. And so, in the middle of August, I was done. Almost.
On Sunday evening, August 14th, I hopped online quickly onto my LDSPLANET account to see if I had any messages and to also look into freezing my account. Again, I still wasn’t sure how the whole thing worked…and if that was even possible. I just knew that I was done. At least for a while. When I opened the site, it showed about 6 “new members” that had just joined (as it always did). One certain member happened to catch my eye. I had made it a rule to only contact those who had contacted me first….since I knew at that point, that they were at least interested. However, I also just didn’t have time to peruse all of the profiles. Despite my usual “self-imposed regulations,” that Sunday night, I did click on “WOLF03’s” profile. I couldn’t understand why he was online. Not because he was ridiculously attractive (because there are many attractive people online)….but because he was also so young. WOLF03 was 26 and I couldn’t seem to understand why he was online and not “dating like we did in the olden days.” LOL! Here are a few of the pictures from his profile….the very first pics I saw of “WOLF03” (which, I would learn later, turns out to be the name of an airplane that he has flown). A sidenote quick...I'm sitting here typing, wearing Jeff's jacket...and just realized it's the jacket he's wearing in this first picture below. :-)
I actually didn’t even READ WOLF03’s profile until weeks later. It was short and sweet. :-) I decided to post it here as well: “I think it's interesting that it's asking me to respond to the prompt, "What makes you a good partner?" Ha! That makes it sound like I'm either entering a three-legged race, or that I'm not interested in women. Let me be very clear...not only am I interested in women, but I would make an excellent three-legged race partner because I'm physically fit, coordinated, and competitive. I'm not going to bear my testimony on this site, but just know that the Church plays a key role in my life. I can’t imagine finding happiness with a companion who is only lukewarm or so in the gospel. I want someone who values the doctrines, and who I can carry an intelligent conversation with.”
It was a slow night for me that Sunday night in August…and I decided that since I wasn’t really interested in dating ANYONE at the moment, that I would go against my general rule of randomly contact people and see if WOLF03 happened to be online to chat. He was. I initially sent him a message stating my feelings above…wondering why he was on an online dating site. He explained to me that this was “the way things are done now.” I was surprised how much fun we had chatting. I had ZERO intentions….just enjoyed talking to someone…and not feeling any pressure for it to be anything other than what it was. Generally, we had pretty light-hearted banter…and WOLF03 made me smile. It was nice. After an hour or so of chatting, I invited him over “to talk in real life” sometime that week. His response was so cute. Although we both knew it wasn’t meant to be a date, this was the conversation:
WOLF03: “I’ve never gone out with anyone 7 years older than me. But sure. That’d be fun.”
VISIBLE LIGHT: “That only means that I’ve been awesome 7 years longer than you have.”
WOLF03: “Are you sure about that? That would assume that you started being awesome long before me.”
VISIBLELIGHT: “I’ve been awesome since the womb.”
WOLF03: “Well, you do have me beat then. I don’t think I started being awesome until I was about 14 or so.”
LOL! I was immediately attracted to his quick wit…something that I like in myself…and have such a hard time finding in others. I also learned that WOLF03’s real name was Jeff. :-)
Jeff ended up coming over two days later to chat. I smile a little to myself remembering everything from that night. You have to understand….I seriously had zero intentions other than friendship. I subconsciously judged him a tad…I will admit…and thought that he was probably just a young thing with lots of muscles that was fun to talk to. And so, I honestly didn’t even get ready. I hopped in the shower quick, got out, threw on my yoga pants and a hoodie and some make up, but left my hair wet..and it was still wet when he arrived. So funny…but illustrates that I genuinely didn’t have any intentions of seducing him in any way. LOL! It didn’t take more than a few minutes until I sat there, staring at Jeff….completely boggled. How DARE he be interesting and intelligent and witty…and….amazing?!?!?! Seriously. So inconvenient for me. LOL! Within less than an hour, we realized what an amazing connection we had. And that one hour quickly turned into 8 hours our first night (this pic is our first picture together...AFTER 8 hours of chatting..and VERY late. We look so tired. LOL!) 8 hours of the most intellectually stimulating conversation I have ever had. I can’t describe to you exactly how that felt…..but it was similar to what I can imagine it would feel like to eat again after fasting for months…years even. To have that sort of conversation…that sort of connection….it was nothing short of a miracle to me. And how surprising to show up in this young and handsome kid. We joke now about how I half expected him to show up in baggy shorts and a hat twisted to the side, holding his skateboard. That night, I was expecting a “kid” to arrive….and was pleasantly surprised when a man (unlike any man I have ever met) showed up at my door. And when we first met, I had no idea just how important he would be to me.
That 8 hour night soon turned into hours and hours and hours and conversation just about every other night for 4 months (and pretty close to every day the last month). If I were to do a day by day break down of our time together and how this “unexpected romance” has grown, I would very likely be sitting here typing for a good week or so…non-stop. And so, instead of that, I decided to make a list of everything that I love about my Jeff. I am certain that by this list, you will be able to see how much time we have spent together…for how well I know this great man. I’ve been working on this list for about a week now, but every single day, I think of something else that I love. And I am sure that even after I post this entry, I will be back to add more.
Things I love about Jeff...
1. Jeff craves learning....he is always learning something new. We are so much alike that way…and means that we ALWAYS have new and interesting topics to discuss.
2. Jeff’s mind is open to possibilities.
3. Jeff and I have 100% open and uncensored communication..completely UNCENSORED...he is SAFE (am I able to be 100% open and honest, without judgment).
4. Jeff has such STRONG faith in God and in the Gospel....and is not afraid to seek truth WHEREVER it can be found. He is open, non-judgmental and accepting.
5. With us, there is no topic uncovered...all topics are safe (life, work, kids, sensitive feelings, intimacy, the Gospel, etc. etc.)
6. Jeff appreciates who I am..and encourages me to BE who I am..and to continue becoming who I WANT to be.
7. Jeff supports me in EVERYTHING I do and wants to be involved WITH me.
8.Jeff encourages me to stand up for me....to still be loving, kind and serve others, but to not be taken advantage of.
9.Jeff reads my personal blog and photography blog (before I even tell him I've written something new.,and always comments on what I have written or my most recent photo shoots)... :-)10. Jeff loves to write..and has such a great talent for it. For his birthday in September, I wanted to try and think of something special I could give him. I decided that I would design a print using one of MY favorite poems that he had written…”A Rose from a Reed.” I found a picture of a wooden rose online and did a bunch of editing techniques on it and then arranged the text of his poem around the photo..printed it and had it framed in an 11x14 frame. This is one of my most favorite memories of Jeff. He was so touched. I’ll never forget that moment. Seeing how much he loved it made me so happy.
11. Jeff loves to sing...and isn't afraid to belt it out (when we're alone at home or in the car). He will often sing LOVE SONGS at the top of his lungs..and knows ALL the words. (Was also thrilled to discover that he loves ALL genres and can sing along with all of them…just like me.) :-)
12. Jeff doesn't think I talk to much. When I feel I have ranted about something very important to me, he noticed that I give a slightly embarrassed look (since I've been told my entire life by teachers, etc. that I "talked too much" and I guess subconsciously, I worry that people may think I still do) and immediately reassures me by expressing openly that he loves to listen to me.
13. Jeff cares about his health and loves to work out and be active.
14. Jeff thinks I'm beautiful...and he tells me often.
15. Jeff holds me tighter than I have ever be held...as if our bodies FIT together with NO gaps in between :-) We hold each other so tight, it feels as if our souls actually touch. Amazing.... (He is a NATURAL snuggler...that means a lot to me. Something that he himself truly enjoys.)
16. When I get frustrated that I can't seem to hold him tight enough or show him accurately enough how much I love him, I will squeeze him really really tight. Instead of laughing at my frustration, he understands it...and squeezes me back.
17. Jeff is such an attentive snuggler...always stroking my face, scratching my back, playing with my hair. Never just "there."
18. Jeff kisses my forehead....I used to think this would bother me..make me feel like a child. Turns out, I love it so much that it makes my heart pound every time he does it. In addition to the amazing and passionate romantic connection we have, holding my head close to him and kissing me on the forehead is such an "I'm taking care of you" gesture. After longing for this for so long....that kiss on the forehead, that symbol that he's protecting me and taking care of me, is priceless. Beyond words.
19. I seriously ADORE Jeff’s sense of humor....that we SO connect on..100%. Our humor is so dead on alike, it often feels we think exactly the same way. Half the time, we laugh about things we said...and the other half, we laugh about how we both will come up with the exact same thing at the exact same time.
20. Jeff is so open with his feelings about life and about what he thinks about me (he often compliments me on who I am and on my health goals, etc,) SUCH open communication....even when it's being open about something that I did that hurt him or made him feel uncomfortable.
21. Jeff wants to spend time with me....and often...even if we are doing "nothing" together. He never tires of our time together.
22. Jeff drove from Orem every other day for MONTHS to see me before he ended up moving closer.
23. Jeff supports me in my goals and encourages me to reach them.
24. Jeff is so educated...and always learning new things. Speaks so intelligently and writes eloquently. (Flawless grammar and BEAUTIFULLY educated vocabulary. This might make you laugh and it may seem like such a small thing...but I love this about him. So awesome to find someone who connects with me so well in this way. Sometimes, he will even use a word that I haven't heard. It's rare, but it happens...and I almost get EXCITED about it. LOL! So funny...but true. Words are so beautiful...and the way he speaks is like ART to me.)
25. Jeff is happy to get out and be active, but just as happy to stay home and snuggle up for a movie.
26. Jeff always wants to know how he can ever help to carry my load.
27. Jeff knows EVERYTHING about me. EVERYTHING. He knows everything I have lived through, some unwise decisions I have made, etc. and knows that they have all contributed to the woman that I am now. And he loves me.
28. Jeff seeks my opinion often...and truly values it (and often ACTS on it...which is so beautifully validating).
29. Jeff makes me laugh so ridiculously hard....and is safe when I need to cry.
30. Jeff could be living extravagantly, but is very frugal with his spending and shares my excitement for a good bargain.
31.Loves sushi :-) For Jeff’s birthday in September, I went to our favorite sushi place (Blue Fish at The District) ahead of time and dropped off confetti and candles to the chefs. When I took Jeff to eat there that night, they brought out our sushi decorated with the candles and confetti. Such a fun night!
32.Jeff fulfills me in every single way. Where I have always felt the need to "supplement" my life to fill the holes...he fills it all. Now, the extras (serving others, time with friends, etc.) are just added blessings. I know that this also comes as a result of me being whole and complete ALONE....by myself and with God. But I mean that Jeff fills every longing I have in regards to a relationship.
33. Jeff LOVES music like I do...SO MANY DIFFERENT genres and can sing along with every single one...just like me.
34. Jeff is well-traveled and cultured. I love that we share that. Therefore, he shares the same great understanding for people, cultures, etc. and has a passion for the countries he has lived in. (He grew up in Saudi Arabia, served a mission in Australia [Cantonese Speaking] and has lived in China, Jerusalem, Egypt, etc.)
35. Jeff allows me to serve him....because he knows that it brings me great happiness and that I do it because I love him. He is SO grateful...which makes me want to continue serving him even more.
36. Jeff teaches me about politics (I've never really cared about it until now) without making me feel stupid for choosing not to educate myself in that regard until now.
37. Jeff teases me LOVINGLY about some of my quirks (For example....that we always tend to talk so much, that I forget to give him directions while we are driving....and yet, even in the midst of our conversation, I NEVER seem to forget to say "Peanut Butter" when we go over railroad tracks. LOL!)
38. Jeff knows about my "have to sit in a certain spot in restaurants" thing...and almost always figures out which seat it is and offers it to me.
39.Jeff turns down the heat in the car when he sees me itch my nose...because he knows that means I am too warm. :-)
40. Jeff holds my hand and kisses me tastefully in public, when it is not as comfortable or natural for him to do so...yet, he does it because he knows what it means to me.
41. Jeff is so ridiculously passionate.
42. Jeff values his friendships.
43. As complex as Jeff is...intelligent, cultured, talented, etc, etc....he is pleased by the very simple things in life. I love that. Not much is needed for his happiness.
44. No matter what type of day I have had, my heart is LIGHT and I feel instant peace the moment I see Jeff..
45. Jeff loves Nesquik (I don't know why I love this...but I do. It makes me smile when I see him making Nesquik with his dinner)
46.Jeff has the vibrancy of youth....but the maturity (in EVERY way....physical, emotional, mental, spiritual) of a man.
47. Jeff is sensitive to my feelings and so open and honest about his own...and about everything.
48. Jeff likes my kids (and vice versa!!!!) and admires me as a mother and loves and respects my parenting.49. Jeff is comfortable being around my babies....taking them out to ice cream after we went to the gym (so thoughtful), going to the movies together or just snuggling up with the four of us on my bed to look at all of his reptile pics and hear him tell us about each and every one of them. :-)
50. Jeff tells me when he misses me (It's nice to be missed) and that he loves me (makes my heart jump every single time he says it.)
51. Jeff is so well-dressed and refined (love getting dressed up together for events or to go out and eat at fine restaurants)....and is just as comfortable and content in basketball shorts and a t-shirt, eating chicken sandwiches with canned chicken and mayonnaise. :-)
52. Jeff doesn’t think it's tacky when I break out my HAPPENINGS BOOK coupons EVERYWHERE we go (even at the really nice restaurants) to save us money.
53. Jeff is so receptive and attentive in EVERY conversation. I always have his full and complete attention. We talk about EVERYTHING...but one thing I love the most, is how I am so comfortable talking about God, my faith and the Gospel with him. I have never felt so safe discussing something so beautifully sacred to me. He doesn't find it cheesy....and loves the passion I have for God (and life in general).54. Jeff thought of me when he was out of town...and brought me a souvenir to reinforce that (a dream catcher from Arizona).
55. Jeff is open about his frustrations, but so positive. He has radiant and positive energy...always.
56. Jeff is so GOOD. He is such a GOOD man...but he is also relaxed and adventurous.
57. Jeff is a hard worker and an honest and valuable employee.
58.The majority of what Jeff does in his free time is productive, active and/or educational. If he is ever just "sitting around," he is reading or getting caught up on current events and politics. No time is ever simply “wasted.”
59. Jeff will order books about topics JUST to learn more about SOMETHING. His most recent purchases are a set of books on SURVIVAL.
60. One of the things Jeff wants the most is to begin his FOOD STORAGE (and he won't even think of getting his pet sugar glider until his food storage has been started) :-)
61.Jeff can be serious and stoic, playful and silly, pensive and deep-thinking, light-hearted and passionate.
62. Jeff won't just tell me what I want to hear. He is honest and uncensored with what he feels even in that regard. Love that he is that way...and that he feels safe enough to BE that way.
63.There are NO facades with us. I am 100% who I am..and Jeff is 100% who he is when we are together. We are 100% uncensored and REAL.
64. Jeff always wants to hear about the Relief Society lessons I taught, experiences I had, people I met, etc. etc. So interested in everything I say. Doesn't just listen....asks questions to find out more. Love that.
65. I love how Jeff holds my face when he kisses me.And when he kisses me, my heart pounds and I feel chills throughout my entire body. If a kiss really could create fireworks, we would create a display that would go down in history.
66. Jeff is not afraid to show emotion...and is comfortable doing so with me.
67. Jeff decided to do a "Jeff Smith Family" Christmas letter this year – he started out brainstorming a bunch of crazy funny ideas to write about. But in the end, he settled on an incredibly meaningful personal story about Christ. Awesome.
68. Jeff calls his Mom "Momma Bear." :-)
69. Jeff loves and accepts everyone, despite shortcomings.
70. Jeff moves slowly and cautiously in relationships....resulting in every "move" having SO MUCH MEANING to me.
71. Jeff is so supportive of my healthy lifestyle goals - he prepared a workout schedule for me..and even laminated it so I can take it to the gym with me every day.
72. Jeff is always willing and able to lift me...and asks HOW he can support me through challenges. And when it is just "to hold me," he does just that...and better than anyone I have ever met.
73. Whenever I share something, Jeff often asks, "How does that make you feel?"...especially if it's about something about us.
79. Jeff says more with just the way he looks at me...than anyone has ever expressed with words.
80. We often look at each other....directly in the eyes...and smile. Sounds so corny...but with us, it isn't. When HE looks at me, he looks so deep into my eyes....it's like he's trying to read what I possibly might have left unsaid.
81. During the holidays, Jeff would often suddenly burst out with "FAAAAALLLLLL, ON YOUR KNEEEEEES..." (Part of “O Holy Night”)...and that's it. Not sure if he even knows the rest of the song. LOL!
82. That smile....the one that comes out when he is trying to tell a bogus story, but he knows I've already got him figured out. :-)
83. We both build each other up in private and in public.
84. Early on, Jeff went to the effort of burning me a 8 or 9 CDs…with every single song HANDWRITTEN on the back of each CD sleeve. So thoughtful. He also showed up that night with Double Stuffed Oreos. I’m pretty sure that’s when I started falling for him. LOL!
85. Jeff's body is strong (amazing to be held in his arms) and his cheeks are squishy!!! Oooh…I LOVE HIM! (And love love love love love this next picture of us!!! LOL! It has to be one of my ALL TIME FAVES!!!!!! LOVE US SO MUCH!!! OOOH....SQUEEEEEZE HIM!!!!!)
86. Jeff borrowed my car to transport his new bed while I took his car to go pick up my kids...didn't notice until I was almost home in MY car, that my gas tank was full. He has done this again since then. So thoughtful…
87. Jeff has come to almost every single one of my Sterling Singers Concerts….he is so supportive of everything I do.
88. It always made me smile to see what was on Jeff’s nightstand – his scriptures, his patriarchal blessing….and of course, “1000 Practical Chinese Idioms.” You know….the necessities. LOL! ;-)
89. Jeff makes me "nose-scrunch happy." My nose scrunches in pictures when I am feeling the purest, more genuine happiness. Generally, I see that in pics of me with me babies. Now, I have noticed that I see it in the majority of my pictures with Jeff. Amazing to fee such pure joy....all the way through to my core.
90. Socially, Jeff and I are very different. I don't need to explain to you how I AM (LOL!)...but he is definitely more reserved. He is an observer. But just because he is quiet at first, doesn't mean he's not actively "present." In fact, he is VERY present. I love how he watches people and learns so much about them just by watching. Jeff is "still waters run deep." We compliment each other so well that way. And yet, I also love that he is completely open, uninhibited and playful when it is just the two of us. Awesome.
91. Jeff gets along with my friends...love that. We've had a great time getting together with friends here and there the past 4 months. But truthfully, our favorite time is when we are alone. :-)
92. Jeff's LOVE for movie theater popcorn. I've never seen someone who loves movie theater popcorn more than Jeff. He can down a LARGE popcorn single-handedly in no time. And it's serious business. I know now, that we don't snuggle until the popcorn is gone...and every single kernel and drop of butter has been consumed. LOL!
93. The way (and how often) Jeff says, "Ahhhhh shyoooot!" or "Uh Boo!" (when something lame happens) or "Totes" (for "totally") :-)
94. Conversations like this...
ME: Oh my gosh babe..did I wake you up?
JEFF: Yeah..I was just taking a nap.
ME: I am so sorry. I feel really bad...especially since I don't even have anything important to say. Was just wondering if you were planning on coming over tonight.
JEFF: That IS important. And yes. :-)
95. The way Jeff wraps his arms around my waist and kisses my neck when I am making us dinner.
96. Jeff prefers my hair casually thrown up in a ponytail.
97. Jeff is always on time. If he ever IS running late, he texts me or calls to let me know. This means so much to me....that he respects me, my time...and our time together.
98. The very particular way that Jeff cuts his own hair.....with his shirt off, outside (even in freezing cold winter weather), all the way downstairs on the grass of his apartment complex with a hand mirror and clippers....just so he doesn't have to worry about getting hair in the house. :-)
99. When we are snuggling and I rub my foot against his, I love how he immediately sandwiches mine in between his.
100. Conversations like this...
JEFF: Will you be my friend?
HEATHER: Sure.
JEFF: Will you be my BEST friend?
HEATHER: Absolutely.
*kiss*
(Those who know me well, may wonder why I didn't stop at 87 things. LOL! I actually MEANT to....but couldn't stop. In fact, this is only a list of things that IMMEDIATELY came to me. I am positive, that if I were to really sit and think, I could very easily come up with 187 things!!!)
Things I love about us…
1. We are so comfortable...our relationship just flows...like a well-oiled machine. Not without bumps, but our communication is such that NEITHER of us ever goes to bed with a sick stomach....we resolve things IMMEDIATELY and THOROUGHLY.
2. We can be adventurous and get out and do things or be at home organizing our houses together....or simply doing nothing together...and it's PERFECT. It doesn't matter what we do, if we are together.
3. We have been dating over 4 months now and have seen each other every other day and often every day and we NEVER run out of things to talk about. We talk until our faces are blue..and then talk some more. I have learned that it is because we BOTH crave learning...and are ALWAYS learning new things and immediately want to share it with each other and discuss.
4. There is NO uncharted territory for us....we LAUGH SO HARD on a DAILY BASIS (LOVE THAT!!)....we talk about EVERYTHING and ANYTHING....there is no topic that is "TABOO." Everything is safe...because WE are safe for each other.
5. We decided to start reading together. We decided to start with "The Giver," and take turns reading to each other.
6. We love snuggling up to read his mom's e-mails every day. She is currently living out of state and writes the most amazing daily e-mails (which we are hoping she will someday publish into a novel) that keep both of us on the edge of our seats. She is such a gifted writer.
7. We run errands together, grocery shopping, the gym....etc. It doesn't matter what we are doing, if it's together.
8. When I am with him, my heart feels like it is home.
9. He has made me turn really mushy. I always thought the love songs were kinda "extreme" and that love like that didn't really exist. Now I understand what they mean. The only way to describe how I feel about Jeff comes across so poetic...and probably very gaggy to those who haven't felt this way.
10. We can't stop smiling when we are together. He even said once, "I don't know what it is, but I can't stop smiling when I'm around you." I know how he feels...I can't help but smile at him. And then when he asks why I am smiling, I honestly don't know why....it's just...HIM..and US. :-)
11. Our sense of humor is so similar...and we play off of each other so well. So much fun!
12. We are both completely okay with letting things happen in God's time and for HIS purpose...and taking things slow. Every moment we spend together is a gift. No need to rush things. We are working on our time table..and God's - not the "Utah Standard for Dating." Whatever happens, however long we are meant to be together...whatever God's purpose is for us....we feel very blessed.
13. Pretty sure that we sing THE BEST duet of "Teenage Dream" anyone has ever heard. LOL!
14. We carry such positive evergy. Even when we have difficult things to talk about, it is still good energy and always uplifting. We support each other, without fail.
15. We are always willing to help improve things for each other. We spend a lot of time helping each other get organized, decorate, etc.
16. We have amazing passion.....for life, for learning, for the Gospel...and for each other. Boy, do we have passion for each other. I don't mean that to be inappropriate....it is a MIRACLE to experience that.
I could very likely keep this list going all day if I wanted. There is SO MUCH that I love about us…and many of the things I love about Jeff can also apply to the “things I love about us” list. But in short (since this blog entry is already becoming one of the longest I've likely ever written...and justifiably so), we...just....fit. In every way. We fit.
Something noteworthy is that this relationship was different from the start. There was a very obvious difference….one that I couldn’t help but notice. Most relationships I have been in started with giddiness and those wonderful butterflies. I will be honest, there weren’t butterflies with Jeff in the beginning. He fulfilled every part of me…but there wasn’t the giddiness that would usually accompany a new relationship. That was so NEW to me, that I almost worried about it….worried about that not being there. I didn’t realize until later, that that was an AMAZING thing..and even a miracle for me. I realized that butterflies have often clouded my judgment in the past and caused me to “get caught up in the excitement” and fail to see clearly in relationships. God knew exactly what He was doing. I was able to see Jeff and see us VERY clearly from day 1…without being blinded by giddy feelings. However, the exciting thing is….a few months INTO our relationship, almost overnight, those blessed butterflies did appear…and seem to be here to stay. It doesn’t matter how often I see Jeff, my heart leaps and those butterflies flutter around the minute I see him. I love that. But I love that they held off for a while….so that they were not a distraction in the beginning. God is so good and knows us individually. Who would have thought that withholding butterflies would be a blessing?! But He knew…He knew that withholding them at first would make for a healthier relationship for me. For us.
In the four months that Jeff and I have been dating, we have made such countless awesome memories. I wanted to share just a few of them here in this entry.
A few favorite memories...so far....
1. As I've mentioned, our sense of humor is so ridiculously similar. We are both very quick-witted and able to whip out "punny things" at the drop of a hat. I was sure that no one could match how "punny" my Dad and I are together...until I met Jeff. The first time I noticed this was pretty early on, when I had asked him to hold his hands out flat up by his chest to act as a base for my purse so I could look through it to find my keys. He immediately said, "Or, I could hold my hands down by my belly button and it could be a NAVAL base." ROFL! I just about died!!!2. Jeff and I realized a few months ago that both of us had attended BYU and LEFT BYU without EVER driving up to Squaw Peak. (Anyone who has been to BYU will know the significance of that. :-)) And so, we decided to go to dinner down in Provo and head up there.We drove up on a perfect night. We sat and parked for a little bit and then got out and walked out on a trail a little ways to look out at the city lights. Yes...we did smooch a bit...followed by singing the COUGAR FIGHT SONG. LOL! Jeff so tenderly pointed to ME when he sang, "...the COUGARS of BYU" (since I am older than he is, and thus, a "cougar" I guess. LOL!). SUCH a fun night!!
3. One evening, we decided to have a picnic at Murray Park. I packed us dinner (chicken salad croissants, grapes, Capri Suns and Pudding) and we headed out. After dinner, we snuggled up under the stars and talked...and talked...and talked.
4. Every single time we are in the car, we sing. Jeff loves to sing and knows the lyrics to just about every song there is..just like me. Sometimes we sing at the top of our lungs together....and sometimes I just love watching him sing. He gets this cute little smile on his face when he catches ME watching him sing...but doesn't stop singing. I love it!5. Our first "official date" - Dinner at Zupa's and miniature golf at Mulligans. It was the PERFECT game. I gave Jeff a serious run for his money....but in the end, Jeff ended up winning by ONE stroke. Perfect. I showed that I wasn't your average "chick" and he left with his pride. LOL! But hands down, the best part of the date was BUILDING A FORT in my front room and watching a movie in it after dinner and miniature golf. LOL! That is one of our EARLIEST memories...and by far, one of my favorites.
(Originally, no girls were allowed. LOL! Yyyyeah....we threw that rule out the window prrretty quickly!! LOL!)6. My first experience with Jeff building a fire....fairly early on, we decided to build a fire in my firepit and sit and cozy up on the couch (which is sitting by the firepit) and talk. He bragged it up that he was an "Eagle Scout" and therefore, the master of fire building. Needless to say, the fire ended up being not much more than a little flicker. LOL! We still laugh about that. However...in his defense, and to be fair, we both KNOW that the reason the fire struggled, was because we were so lost in our conversation, that we didn't feed it often enough. I guess you could say that even though the campfire was slowly dwindling, there was another sort of fire blazing....;-)
7. I will always remember our date to the assisted living center, where I sat and painted fingernails for the ladies there and Jeff sat and visited with some of the gentlemen, to keep them company. Such a wonderful evening and loved seeing Jeff's willingness to serve very early on in our relationship.
8. Watching Jeff teach Seneca how to draw a unicorn. :-)
9. Snuggling up with Jeff and my babies on my bed to look at his blog and hear him tell us about all of the snakes, alligators, frogs, etc. that he has seen.
10. Sitting together at the Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert, waiting for it to start. Jeff was particularly affectionate that night and I love that we just sat there, lost in each other and talked until the concert started.
11. Playing ping-pong together up at Dad's cabin.
12. Serving together. This is a really BIG one for me. I have many opportunities to serve and have volunteered for many of them. Jeff was ready, willing and excited to serve right beside me for every single one.....at the Assisted Living Center, feeding the homeless at Pioneer Park (pictures shown above) and Festival of Trees (my biggest service commitment...and he was there EVERY SINGLE DAY to help serve. COUNTLESS hours. So blessed.)...etc. He has also spent MANY hours serving ME....helping me organize my little home, brainstorming with me to help come up with ways to improve my business and productivity and spending hours of clean up after our house flooded a few months ago.
13. Celebrating Jeff's Birthday at Blue Fish. Sushi has become "our thing".....and that was a particularly memorable night for us.
14. Hours of building IKEA furniture for Jeff's new home. For most, this would seem tedious....but as I've mentioned countless times now....NOTHING is "boring" when we are together. We've had so much fun decorating his new home....and ANY time together is a blessing. And time together WHILE being productive is even more of a blessing. Love that!
15. Sitting down to a dinner of Hamburger Helper, Crystal Light (for me) and Nesquik (for Jeff)...and holding hands while we bless the food. :-)
16. Very rarely do we ever watch TV together (movies, yes...but not TV). However, there have been a few times we have snuggled up and watched "Ghost Encounters," a few home shows..and "Planet Earth." :-) The majority of the time we are snuggled up together, we are talking. Always talking. Oh my heart...I could talk to him and listen to him until the end of time.
17. Every single conversation we have. We very rarely have "fluff" conversations. SO often, they are deep, thoughtful, educational...and overall, very meaningful. I'm not sure how many hours we have spent talking....but I'm assuming thousands in the past 4 months. And I never tire of it. I love that we both share...and share openly. We are always learning from each other. Love that.
18. Doing a photo shoot of Jeff just a week after we met. So much fun!!!
19. General Conference….both sessions on Saturday. Indescribably awesome experience…being surrounded by such an amazing spirit in the Conference Center with my best friend.
20. Being CRAMMED into TRAX on the way home from the Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert..and literally being NOSE TO NOSE the entire way home. Joking around and pretending we had JUST met…and how “awkward” it was to be standing this close to each other on a first-time meeting. LOL! These pictures illustrate just how close we were. LOL!
21. Witnessing Jeff tasting his very first “Triple Chocolate Meltdown” from Applebees. It was quite the experience...as it should be. It is such a sinful dessert, that he couldn’t resist spanking it. Don't feel bad....it had it coming....it's naughty!! ;-)
22. Doing a photo shoot together just a few weeks ago (second week in December)…"just for fun” and just because we are so happy. (the pics from that shoot are throughout this entire entry. You will recognize them because they are much better quality than our 87 cell phone pics. LOL!)
23. E-mailing each other back and forth with our favorite inspirational quotes. :-)
24. One of my most precious memories with Jeff happened recently, on a quiet evening at his home. We spent the evening reading "The Giver," a few e-mails from his mom and then shared our Patriarchal blessings with each other. I have never shared mine with anyone before....and there's no one I would rather share it with. It was such a beautiful moment for us - something that I will never forget. Gives me spirit bumps just remembering what a beautiful evening that was. :-)Above all of these, perhaps the most memorable for me is Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving evening. After reading the list of things I love about Jeff and the things I love about us and our many amazing memories, I am realizing that I started falling in love with him from the very beginning.
It was definitely more over time than a sudden thing. However, if I had to pinpoint a day when I really felt It…when I recognized it myself…when I knew I was falling in love with Jeff, it would be Thanksgiving Day evening. I was so hesitant to tell him…worried that it would scare him off. But I had never withheld anything from him before..and didn’t want to start then. And so I told him…and he’s still here. And it seems as if we have just continued to get closer and closer since Thanksgiving. It’s a beautiful thing.
Yet again, this list of my favorite memories could go on eternally. No moment with Jeff is ever just "routine." Even when we are walking through IKEA with his arm around me (stealing kisses here and there) or sitting in either of our houses organizing things...or going grocery shopping together...or, or, or.....it is memorable and special to me. Every minute I spend with Jeff is a blessing. I have never laughed so hard or so often. I have never felt so intellectually stimulated (SUCH a blessing!!!). I have never felt so validated and loved. I have never felt so understood. I have never felt so at peace in a relationship. I have never felt so completely fulfilled. I have never felt so much pure joy in a relationship. We are not perfect. But because of our wonderful communication, and because we are completely SAFE for each other.....there is always peace in my heart and peace between us. There's a verse in the Taylor Swift song "You Belong To Me" that I always seem to think of when Jeff and I are together. It says, "Walkin the streets with you in your worn out jeans, I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be, Laughing on the park bench thinkin to myself,'Hey isnt this easy?'" Things aren't "easy" for us because we don't know each other and we don't address issues. Things are easy because we DO know each other....better than just about anyone knows us. And things are easy because we DO talk about everything…and listen with understanding and never take offense. Things are easy because we are completely transparent to each other. It is such a beautiful thing. I hear people talk about their relationships and watch their communication…how many problems arise due to misunderstandings and either party taking offense....and always feel so blessed that Jeff and I avoid that completely. We really are a minority in that way (and many other ways)...and we know it...and feel richly blessed. Not a day goes by that I don't get on my knees and thank God not only for Jeff, but for the relationship we have. Jeff has become HOME for me….for my mind, my spirit, my soul, my body…and my heart.
If you were to have asked me four months ago what I knew about FALLING in love....I'm not sure I would have been able to give you an adequate description of what that feels like exactly – because I didn’t know. I didn’t know what it felt like to be so in love that you wonder how your heart could possibly have been beating before that person came into your life. The feeling that every single void in your life - in your heart, your mind, and in your soul is completely satisfied and filled by that one person. The feeling that there is nowhere in the world you would rather be, than in that person's arms. The feeling that every breath you take, every moment you live, is a gift.....for it allows you one more moment to be with that one person. The feeling that although you are whole on your own (as I feel now)....you feel that aching void when you are apart. The feeling that the stars have aligned and that although you may be living in indescribably challenging storms, that the sun is ALWAYS shining for you....because you are in love. No, if you were to have asked me how it felt to fall in love, I wouldn't have been able to tell you.
I am sooooo happy for you!!!
Posted by: Peg Graham | December 27, 2011 at 04:03 PM
This is soo cute!! I'm so happy for you!! can't wait to meet him someday!
Posted by: Best cousin in the whole world (Rachael (Ellis) Knuteson) | December 27, 2011 at 05:22 PM
Ich heise Kory. Jeff ist mein bruder. Unsera familia hast fur lange zeit genommen das ihr zusammen wahrt. Wir haben nicht gescht bis dieser wochenende. Wir haben zeit lange dein blog gelessen. Du kanst sehr gutschreiben. Jeff auch. Er ist sehr talentiert. Es ist zeit lange das ich auf deutsch geschrieben habe. Es tut mir leid, meine fehler. Ich war auf mission in Hamburg 1996-98. Wir sind sehr begeistert du(und ich meine du nicht Sie sprache)kennen zu lehrnen. Frohe Weinachten. Drake Family
Posted by: Kory | December 27, 2011 at 07:37 PM
Super cute, Heather. And inspirational. Now I'm going to be waiting to feel just like that... :)
Posted by: Velda Christensen | December 27, 2011 at 10:40 PM
so happy for you!! Love it!
Posted by: Christal | December 27, 2011 at 10:58 PM
I am so happy to see you experience such happiness!
Posted by: Laura | December 28, 2011 at 06:01 AM
87 minutes well spent! Cannot express how happy I am for you!!! The sparkle is back in your eyes. And you totally are deserving!
Posted by: Stacy Hoppins | December 28, 2011 at 02:05 PM
Awesome!! I was enjoying reading it all.....to see if I "approve" of this man for you. HA ha. But you TOTALLY had me at No. 60 under "The things I love about Jeff." {lol. Be still me preparedness heart.} I NOW completely approve of your guy. He is SO perfect for you. Not that you were asking for any approval...but you get it anyway.
Hugs Heather! I couldn't be more happy for you. You are radiating such happiness in all your pictures.
P.S. "Hi Jeff". Nice to meet you.
Posted by: Lynn | December 28, 2011 at 10:59 PM
I've been following your blog for years. I started because we had scrapbooking in common and I love your style. My heart has gone out to you as you've had some trials. Now my heart feels soooo happy for you. I wish you continued blessings in your relationship with Jeff. He sounds like a keeper.
Posted by: Vi | December 29, 2011 at 09:55 AM
Absolutely beautiful! So happy for you, it radiates. I love that your coats match.
:)
Posted by: Jill @ Mormon Surrogate | January 01, 2012 at 03:03 PM