{time for a big change}

The lessons I have learned and the growth I have made in one single year is amazing. Many of the lessons haven't been easy...but have been very rewarding. I've learned that you can never possibly know or comprehend what it is like to be divorced, until you've been divorced. I don't know why, but as I have mentioned before, your foundation seems to crumble and you begin a rebuilding process....which is both scary and exciting. It's scary, because what you've always known and has been your stable ground, is suddenly gone. It's exciting, because you are building your OWN foundation, with many of the same cornerstones you may have started with, but YOU are the one placing them. And if YOU place the stones (instead of someone else doing it for you), they seem to be even MORE stable and immovable...they are YOURS. Throughout this process, unfortunately, sometimes you make mistakes that are so "not you," that you literally say to yourself, "What were you thinking?! You know that isn't you!" At first, I was really worried and thought something was seriously wrong with me. After talking to my amazing bishop who I love so dearly and many friends who are also divorced, I'm learning that this is a very common process after divorce. However, a few weeks ago, I felt it coming to an end. I realized that it was time for a change. Time to get back to building my foundation and being true to my core values. Not surprising, with how God works in my life, the very night I decided that a change needed to be made, He brought the following quote to my attention..."randomly" (we all know by now that I don't believe anything is "random"):

"Let me begin now, this very night, to emulate Christ. Cast off forever will be the old self and with it defeat, despair, doubt, and disbelief. To a newness of life I come--a life of faith, hope courage, and joy. No task looms too large; no responsibility too heavy; no duty is a burden. All things become possible."
— Thomas S. Monson

How RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME is that!!!?! LOVE IT! I immediately went out a purchased a journal to be used for my scripture study, church notes, etc. to accompany this NEW JOURNEY.  Inside, I pasted my favorite picture of what I love to see as a picture of ME and Christ, next to what has become my own personal "FIGHT SONG" and this quote by President Monson.
 
As funny as it may sound, along with this spiritual and emotional change, I felt a desire to have a PHYSICAL change as well....for the NEW ME. I decided that after being a dark brunette for 10 years, that I wanted to remove the dark and go LIGHT again. It would be a drastic change...I knew that. But some of the changes I was making on the INSIDE were drastic too...and I wanted it to match. I wanted to look in the mirror after getting my hair done and almost be taken back...and then say, "WOW! I can hardly recognize myself. That is REALLY different...and SO SO light. But it IS ME...a NEW me and I love it!!!!!" There was no one better for the job than my sweet angel Christy, who is not only my soul's twin, but one of the best hairstylists in the biz!

The time Christy and I spend together is NOTHING short of heavenly. Literally. Our souls are so completely one, that when we are bearing testimony to each other and sharing experiences from our own personal opportunities for growth, we are literally COVERED in spirit bumps the entire time and I can FEEL my soul completely vibrating with joy. Oh how I love her. And she is so dang hilarious. Our conversations are so SOUL and amazing and those who know me well, know that I tend to be very animated when I am discussing anything I am passionate about. I happened to be talking about my great love and passion for my Savior, and some of the recent experiences I had had. While I was talking, Christy said something that made me laugh so hard I just about wet my pants. (I'm going to edit one word for the sake of a few of my readers, but have to write this so I never forget it!) She said, "Heather, I know you like to speak with your whole being. But if you want these blonds to turn out, you have GOT to hold the HECK still!" ROFL! So love her. I never get just a PHYSICAL make over when I visit Christy...I get a complete SOUL workover! It's AWESOME!!!! And when she was done and I stepped in the mirror, I almost cried. It was PERFECT! Exactly how I had imagined it. And I DID have the reaction I was hoping for...."WOW! I can hardly recognize myself. That is REALLY different...and SO SO light. But it IS ME...a NEW me and I love it!!!!!"
 
 
On the drive home, I felt as if she hadn't just washed out the hairdye into her sink. I know that sounds so corny, but we all know by now that I tend to look more deeply into things than many do...and I realized how symbolic this change had been for me. I had shed the dark and gone LIGHT again. I kept looking at myself in the rearview mirror, trying to get used to this NEW ME. The next morning, my dear friend Deborah was so great to take a few pictures of me with my new hairstyle. I SO love how EVERY SINGLE ONE turned out. Deborah even managed to take a few "serious" shots of me that I love. I have NEVER in my life had a serious shot that I have liked...because I've never thought that they are me. But I do have a very serious and passionate side....a softer side. And how fun to have Deborah capture that so well. :-)
  After Deb took my pics, I had to head directly to work. I looked at myself briefly in the rearview mirror and started to cry a little bit. Out of context, and without knowing me well, this will sound very "into myself." Those who know me will know that's not the case....and it really only matters that I know anyway. But I looked in the mirror and thought, "You are beautiful." I realized immediately that that statement had a LITTLE BIT to do with my new hair...and a LOT to do with what I COULDN'T see in the mirror. And I realized that as I was looking INSIDE of myself, at the changes I was (and still am) making in my life, and yet, at the same time, rediscovering a great part of me that was simply lost for a minute, that I was able to say again..."WOW! I can hardly recognize myself. That is REALLY different...and SO SO light. But it IS ME...a NEW me and I love it!!!!!" *sigh* Change is good. :-)

Comments

[lynn Crapo]

"By their fruits, ye shall know them". You ARE amazing! You ARE beautiful! From the inside out. Love love love this journey you have been on to re-discover who YOU are.

I have to tell ya, Heather.....the blond you, is SO you! Love it. Seriously.

[Ann Snider]

You know I'm a huge fan! As I was cleaning up my office and doing so many other little things today, I decided to see if you had updated your blog! Well, low and behold you had! The quote from President Monson is amazing! Your journal is amazing! Your "new" look is amazing! Thank you for sharing the journey with us--your "loyal" blog fans and friends! :)

[Stephanie]

You look beautiful, Heather. I'm so glad that you have found a good and positive way into the future.

[Gayle]

You look so great! You always have been a beautiful girl but now you are a beautiful blonde! Good to see you feeling "your oats", be confident!