{my cathedrals}

 
Being a single mother is something that you simply cannot relate to...unless you've been there. I know that it is the same thing for single dads, but I will be speaking mainly from the mother's perspective, because that is what I am and what I know. To the outside viewer, it may seem that when my little ones are not with me, I "live it up." I am a very social person (always have been) and in the free time that I do have, I am booked solid. However, those who have been or ARE in my situation are able to see through all of these "social escapes" and recognize them as methods of mere "survival." It is very literally debilitating to have your little ones gone. I can't even express to you how it feels. It's so empty. I keep thinking that it might get a little easier in time, but it hasn't yet. Next to God, my little ones ARE my light....my miracles and purpose in life.
 
There is a lot of truth that these "breaks" are beneficial to both parents and even enjoyed....to refill your buckets, regain energy and rejuvenate so that you can be a better parent. Therefore, when I do have the opportunity, I DO surround myself with countless people that bring me LIGHT and lift my soul, so that when my babies return, I am fresh and filled with light to give back to THEM. AND YES..I DO have fun!!!! But truth be told, I book my schedule SOLID so that I don't have to be home when they aren't there. My home is just an empty space without them in it...and the emptiness is so thick you can taste it. They truly are what keeps my heart beating every single day. How could I be anything but filled with JOY, knowing that I am their mother....that God sent these precious precious angels to bless my life?! What an honor and proof enough to me of God's unmeasureable love for ME.
 
And what fun we have! I have so much fun with my friends and family...but there is NO ONE in the world I would rather be with than my babies. WE are the most fabulously awesome, silly and SNUGGLY THREE MUSKATEERS EVER!!!
 
 
 

And GOODNESS....the three of us have enough love inside to smother an entire nation with it. There isn't a MOMENT that goes by that we aren't LOVING on each other. Those of you who know me, KNOW that I can't help but express my love to those around me as OFTEN as I feel it. My precious babies are JUST LIKE ME in that way. HAPPY DAY! There is so much snuggling and smooching and squeezing and "LOVE YOUs" going on....it is a constant LOVE FEST at the White House. It is NOTHING short of Heaven. Pure Heaven. Oooh.....there is NOTHING in the world I love more. Look at them. Please look at them. Aren't they ANGELS???? I read a quote once that said, "The decision to have a child is a momentous one. It is the decision to have your heart go walking around outside of your body." Look at these babies. They are my heart. They are my everything.
 
Being a mom isn't easy..single or otherwise. This is not new news. So often, we feel like we are giving our whole heart and efforts...and some days, it still doesn't feel like enough. Much of our work as mothers (and fathers) goes unnoticed. And sometimes we feel like falling to our knees, crying and saying, "Does ANYONE see what I am doing?" On one particular day like this a few weeks ago, when I was feeling so exhausted, sleep-deprived, inadequate and even unappreciated, a new friend of mine, Brad, that I had literally just barely met, "happened" to feel inspired to send me a forward called "Invisible Mothers." A small note...I don't read forwards. Ever. But for some reason, I read this one...and it could not have been more timely. And to have received such an answer to my prayers from someone I hardly knew...such a blessing. God is so good to me. Thanks to my dear friend Brad, for being so in tune. I sure love you already. I sat at work reading this forward, with tears streaming down my cheeks. I want to share these wonderful words with you...because I know there are others who have felt or are feeling the same way that I was that day and hope that it will bring the same comfort to your hearts that it brought to mine.

Invisible Mothers

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.
Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'
Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.
I'm invisible - The invisible Mom.
Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more.
"Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?"
Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?'
I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?'
I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner,celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well.

It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:
'To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'
In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built,and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man,'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof?
No one will ever see it.'  And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will  become.' At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.
 
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.
The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.
 
How proud I am to have been given the most sacred of all stewardships...to be a mother. How grateful I am to be changing the world, making it more beautiful, with my two miracles. And though it may seem that sometimes my great efforts go unnoticed, GOD SEES THEM and every effort I make is worthwhile and part of a GREAT process. My babies, my precious little ones are, without a doubt, my greatest achievements....my miracles....my masterpieces...my cathedrals.

Comments

[Marcy]

Darling, you are on a roll with your posts. I am struck with so many feelings from reading your last couple posts.

Thank you. I am going to share this one in our RS Presidency meeting tonight.

The previous post I shared with a sister in our ward going through multiple trials right now.

Your words have touched my heart and the heart of other sisters here in Canada.

Thank you for your faith and your Unique divine perspective.

LOVE IT!!

Marcy Buchanan

[Tiffany Carlson]

Oh my sweet friend. I can understand exactly what you wrote. Those could have been my own words. Hang in there - you are amazing!! Thanks for the cathedral story...I needed that today.

So L.O.V.E. you!!

[Julianne]

I love love love the pictures of you and your kids!! You are such an inspiration to the rest of us, and while I can absolutely not at all relate to what you are going through, I appreciate that you share it! You are amazing and I'm grateful for you!

[Dawn]

Being a mom is the best and so rewarding. (until you're a gramma) You are a wonderful mom and knowing you I know it is your favorite calling ever! I love that you fill your alone time with as much as possible. It's good for you and it shows! Love you friend! Keep enjoying those cute babies...they really are angels!

[lynn Crapo]

Loved this post! I can totally relate to it. I've been a single mom, and a married mom. Our kids are truly are cathedrals! Thanks so much for your continued inspiration through everything you are going through. It's awesome. I know you are giving light to those still seeking it.