{unwrapped}

{free pancakes. hit it!}

 
What a fun few weeks we have had as a family. SO many fun memories...and Mama is SO behind on blogging about them, darnit. Bless my heart. Something to look forward to. YAY! But for now, a fun..and QUICK entry before bed tonight...about our awesome FREE PANCAKE NIGHT at IHOP last week! Heard through the grapevine that IHOP was going to be serving FREE PANCAKES last week..asking only for a donation to Primary Children's Hospital in return. ANY opportunity for FREE Pancakes and to donate to a wonderful cause...and we are IN!!!! I must say, IHOP pancakes are YUMMMY! (I forgot to actually take a picture of us eating our free pancakes. Oops. ;-)) So much fun taking my babies out to eat..and for $FREE.99! Hit it! As we checked out, we made a donation and were able to decorate our little donation balloon for Primary Children's Hospital. Thought it was SO cute that Kaden added "FOR SPENCER GOOCH" to our balloon...with a big "U" for UTES on it, since our FREE PANCAKES trip to IHOP was completely dedicated to our awesome friend Spencer. LOVE YOU SO MUCH SPENCE!!! Still thinking of you and praying for you often.
 
 
When we got home, it was wrestle and picture time. SO SO love this picture of my kiddies wrestling on the couch....HOLY CRUD...are those not the most sockety, most amazing smiles of PURE JOY you have ever seen?! Oooh...love them so much, I could just SCREAM!
 
Then, I introduced my babies to the remote for my camera...which resulted in us taking a BAZILLION pictures of us. LOL! They thought that was "the awesomest thing EVER!" :-) However, for the sake of not having to do a bunch of editing tonight, I am just posting my FAVORITE of the three of us (the HUGE picture at the top of this entry...LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT!). Just one of MANY crazy fun memories we have made together the past few weeks. MORE TO COME!!! But for now....it time for a little sleep! ;-)

{i am His}

This weekend, I learned the origin of the word "hypocrite." What I didn't know then, was that just days later, someone would use that word to describe me. First, the word "hypocrisy" comes from the Greek word "hypokrisis" which means "Jealous," "play-acting", "acting out", "coward" or "dissembling". A "hypocrite" was a stage actor and generally someone who was known to play numerous roles in the same play, by changing masks throughout the play. I thought that was interesting. I have been called many things by many people throughout the course of the past year, some negative and many positive. At first, the negative ones hurt so badly that I could hardly stand the sight of even the words themselves. Some of them hurt so much because they were false judgements and some of them hurt because even I believed they were true about myself. Whether those "labels" should or shouldn't have been communicated to me is beside the point. I have had a lot of time to process, think, pray, talk to my therapist, pray more, think, process more and cry a LOT since I was called a "hypocrite" the other day. I decided that I needed to write my feelings down. It's what I do....when I need to process and heal, I write. And so, this particular entry is closed to comments, not because I'm afraid of the response it will receive (I KNOW the response it will receive), but because truthfully, this entry isn't for you. This entry isn't meant to draw ANY reaction from anyone of any kind, positive or negative,...criticism, compliments, etc. It is meant for me and me alone. So if it touches your life and brings you light, I am definitely so grateful. But this entry is for me. I want to write down my thoughts about this for my own personal record..and if for anyone else, my little ones. I want them to know how their Mama feels about this very sensitive topic. And honestly, writing is just one of the ways that I process. So pardon me for a few moments, while I do so... :-)

I have grown so much this year...in so many ways. One of the many things that I have learned, is that I choose what I will allow to hurt me. I will never forget the perfect object lesson that my friend Heather's hubby Jeff shared with me over dinner at Tuacahn last year. He put a fork in front of me and said, "Shove that in your eye." When I laughed and said, "No!" He responded, "Why not?" I replied, "Because it would hurt." Jeff smiled and said, "So why would choose to listen and accept hurtful and judgmental words as truth, when you know they are not true and would just result in hurting you, JUST because someone tells you to?" That Jeff is a smart man. :-) I can't tell you how many times I have used that same object lesson when giving advice to others. I can see how I could easily get off topic writing this today...there are so many directions that I could go. But the reason I cleared my schedule tonight, JUST so I could write, was to work my way through being labeled something that I *almost* chose to "shove into my eye." Almost.

Judgment is interesting. I think we have such a narrow understanding of what judgment really is and how much it encompasses. I recently learned from my wonderful therapist and friend, that judgment has MANY faces. Have you ever stopped to consider that judgment is also "criticizing, blaming, fault-finding, accusing, questioning, manipulating, controlling, defensiveness, offensiveness, ordering, commanding, name-calling, nagging, lecturing, interrupting, threatening, comparing & assuming?" That's a mighty list...with many different actions that I hadn't even considered were necessarily "judgmental" - until Katherin brought them to my attention. Interesting. I definitely took inventory of MY own actions to see where I needed to improve. I am not a judgmental person....however, by these definitions of judgmental behavior, I have much to improve on. I didn't even realize that "assuming" is judgmental behavior. I'm sitting here writing and taking frequent breaks for reflection...thinking of how many times I have had poor communication and disagreements, simply because I "assumed" that someone understood me. I was being judgmental in doing so. I had never really thought about it that way. But I assure you, with this new knowledge, there will be many changes in my life and my dealings with people.

So why did I choose not to stab myself in the eye when I was called a "hypocrite" the other day?! Because it isn't true. That being said, I have much understanding for those who may "assume" that it is true. For as many years as I can remember, though I have NEVER been without fault and do not wish to even slightly portray myself as a "perfect person," I always had a strong-testimony, always stood on the Lord's side and kept AWAY from "serious mistakes" (define that as you will). Though not justified, I can see why many assume I would want to hide behind a mask if I, believe it or not, suddenly were to make some pretty significant mistakes. It isn't easy to be on a pedestal and then let people down....or at least FEEL you have let them down. Truthfully, I have now learned through experience, that those who love you most and know you the best, are never let down when you make a mistake. They still hold you in high esteem, because they know your Divine nature and your heart, and often have even more respect for you because of how you choose to learn from what you have done and the attitude to which you approach it.  That was a painful lesson for me....but I learned it. And yet the interesting thing is...in hindsight, I almost feel as if I was hypocritical THEN, posing to be so happy, when I was aching so much. Don't get me wrong..I had much happiness in my life and I am so blessed to be one who looks at the world with a "glass half full" attitude. But I still am guilty of hiding many of my challenges so others wouldn't see that side of me. I was afraid of appearing weak...and "Heather is the strongest person we know." So many of us do that...pretend to be okay..ashamed to reach out to each other for help. Why are we so afraid to tell each other we are hurting? Isn't that what we are here for? What good are we if we can't lift, comfort and encourage each other? I am just as guilty as anyone of this. I could have been a strength to so many if I hadn't pretended everything was so perfect. But that is neither here nor there. The past is past...I learned from it, grew from it, took valuable lessons and blessings from it...still cherish memories and good experiences I had and have left the rest behind. And now, I am not afraid to reach out and share and lift...and do so at EVERY SINGLE OPPORTUNITY!!! *sigh* Learning and growing from our experiences is a happy thing.
 
The truth is, I am not perfect. In fact, I HAVE made some significant mistakes...and perhaps even MORE significant NOT because of the standard OTHERS have held me to....but because of the standard I HAVE PERSONALLY held myself to in the past...my entire life really. And I must say, letting YOURSELF down, is even more difficult and debilitating than letting others down..and much harder to forgive yourself for. But not once, not in person, not on my blog, not in Fast & Testimony Meeting, etc. have I ever once even suggested that I am perfect, or without fault, or that I don't make mistakes.
 
Many of my recent blog entries have been very Christ-centered and full of my faith and passion for God. It's interesting. Those who were informed of some of my mistakes (and not by persons who wished to lift and edify by sharing this information), then proceeded to read my blog entries, instantly "assuming" that my faith was a "mask" for the truth. However, what struck me the most, were many of the KIND e-mails that I received after many of these specific entries. It was interesting to me that after I had poured my heart out about my love for Christ, a love that is so passionate and unfailing, that these sweet e-mails would say things like, "Please know that you are in my prayers" or "So grateful that you have chosen Christ during this difficult time." I hadn't mentioned (except on a few occasions) that I was even going through a particularly difficult time...only that I was feeling SUCH great love and such an intimate relationship with Christ. I soon realized that these e-mails came from true Christian hearts (of all faiths)...KNOWING Christian hearts....that had personally experienced the same DESPERATE REACHING for Christ...and it was NOT when everything was "perfect" for them. Unfortunately, we often forget to think of Christ when things are going well. Instead of judging me and assuming that everything was perfect...they looked deeper and saw that I wasn't holding onto Christ because I was perfect....I was HOLDING ON TO HIM FOR DEAR LIFE because I am NOT perfect. God bless those of you who don't even know me in person...and can see me still. "Pain and suffering have come into your life, but remember pain, sorrow, suffering are but the kiss of Jesus - a sign that you have come so close to Him that He can kiss you." — Mother Teresa
 
I find that interesting, because as strong as I was my entire life, and as beautiful and as amazing as my strong LDS background and foundation was (thanks to my sweet mom and dad, who are two of the most Christlike people I know and could not have taught me any better than they did, to follow in the ways of Christ), I never had a personal relationship with my Savior as deep and intimate and pure as I have now. Why is that interesting? Because unfortunately, it took making some unwise choices on my part, experiencing very difficult consequences and being forced LITERALLY on my back....before I truly LOOKED UP!!! It took losing so much, making choices that I knew weren't wise and "so not me" to realize just how DESPERATELY I needed my Savior and how much I needed His Atonement (which, so beautifully, and appropriately MEANS "At One With Christ."). So while many are "assuming" that my sudden passion and desperate faith in Christ is a "cover-up" for my mistakes.....oh my heart, it is the exact opposite. It is BECAUSE I am so imperfect, that I am so passionately clinging to God and my Savior. It is BECAUSE I too have made mistakes, that I PROCLAIM my love and loyalty to Them CONSTANTLY. It is not because I am trying to make my life seem enchanted....it is because my life is often so difficult that I can hardly breathe another day, were it not for my Savior literally CARRYING ME and providing DAILY tender mercies, miracles, in my life and the lives of my little ones. I thought I had an unshakeable testimony before. I had no idea.

The day that I was called a "hypocrite," I did choose to take it personally for a moment. I was very emotional..and my kids could sense that I was sad. Over dinner, we talked about mistakes. I told them that I had made some mistakes and that I had made a mistake that had really hurt someone. I wanted them to know that their Mama, though she tries so hard each day, also makes mistakes. I wanted them to know that they can ALWAYS come to me with ANYTHING and never need to be afraid or ashamed of mistakes. I wanted them to know that God feels the same way...that He loves them, that He knows they will fall, but that He will help them stand and walk again..IF they will walk WITH HIM. Seneca, my angel baby girl said, "Did you say you were sorry?" I told her I did and that I felt really bad about what I had done, when I knew that what I had done wasn't right. It was quiet for a minute while we ate and I cried over my tacos, until Kaden said (my sweet Kaden, who has ALWAYS been a pure vessel) "But Mama...no one is perfect, but Jesus." Oh my Kaden...if all of us had the wisdom and kind heart that HE has...what a world this would be.
 
In my interaction with many new friends who are also divorced, I have learned that after a major life-change, your foundation shakes..and sometimes shatters. You go through a very difficult (and yet sometimes exciting) re-building of your foundation. Having the ground disappear from underneath you for a while, is scary. But when you find your footing again and place each stone YOURSELF and re-build a NEW and stronger foundation because of what YOU believe....it's exciting...and it's UNBREAKABLE. I've learned that during this process, sometimes you forget who you are. That part is scary. And I've learned when that happens, there are only TWO ways directions you can run. I have witnessed them both in those around me. You can run AWAY from God or you can run TO God. I have chosen not only to RUN to God, but to hold onto HIM so tightly that there is no chance of ever letting go. I have witnessed many like me in that way. I have also heard many harsh judgments towards them as well. "Why are they at church? Did you hear what they did?" My heart aches, but even in remembering those judgmental words, I will not stand in judgment of those who speak them. In doing so, I would be no better than they are. Truthfully, ALL OF US are doing the best we can with the knowledge and experience we have. Many of those who are quick to judge have simply not been blessed with challenges that would teach them to do otherwise. I am ashamed to think of times when I judged too quickly, for the same reason. How humbled I am now, after making similar mistakes and new ones, and am now, as a result, so much slower to judge ANYONE for ANYTHING. When someone is struggling, the FIRST place they should be is at church....fellowshipped by fellow believers. Have we ever stopped to consider that they are THERE at church at their weakest, HOPING that be being surrounded by STRONG ONES, that they too will be strengthened? It's so easy for so many to make mistakes and AVOID church and God. It is more difficult to KNOW that you are not perfect, to KNOW that you will be judged, and to still BE where you should be and put your faith in Christ. If I know that someone is struggling, the last thing I would ever want to do, is to condemn them for being at church because some would "assume" or "label" them as "unworthy." Oh my goodness, EVERYONE is worthy to be encircled in God's love.  The first thing I would want to do is completely embrace them and reassure them of God's love for them. I have been in their shoes....in both circumstances. I have been told that I should be ashamed, that I was a "hypocrite." And I have been embraced and told that God loves me and that He knows my heart and that I will be okay. And it is through THAT person, those MANY people, that I felt the spirit of Christ and found the strength to CONTINUE holding on. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." -Plato 

We have been commanded to love each other. That's it. We have been commanded to LOVE and NOT to judge (Matthew 7:1, John 7:24, John 8:7). How grateful I am for that...I can DO that!! I am GOOD at loving people. What a relief to ONLY be asked to LOVE. I love people so much, that I feel like might heart might often EXPLODE!!! (Matthew 22:37-39) And if by chance, we happen to be judged someday by the same standard that we judged others, that is reason enough to want to show mercy to everyone we meet...so that we too, will be shown the mercy that we will so desperately desire when we meet our Savior someday. I love the quote by Mother Teresa that says, "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." Another quote that I love so dearly, also by Mother Teresa (so love her), is "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other."

I am not perfect. I can't remember a single instance when I ever claimed to be. If it was assumed that I was, I am sorry for those who chose to make that assumption. I am strong. I have endured much. I have a heart that is bigger than words can describe. I have a spirit that fights for good and never gives up. I have compassion for every man/woman.....EVERY man/woman. I have love enough to share with everyone..and then some. I have stumbled, I have made mistakes, I still am making mistakes...and probably always will to an extent. But as unwise as some of my decisions have been, I am, by nature, a wise woman and one of God's strongest women warriors and a woman who serves God and serves His children with ALL that she is made of. It is not hypocritical to fall. I may stumble and I may fall, but God knows that I will ALWAYS stand up again and He knows that I will ALWAYS stand up again ON HIS SIDE. And each time I stand up, I am stronger than the time before. And for as many falls as I have had the past year, you can IMAGINE the strength I have gained.

One of the reasons I really wanted to write today, was so that my children would be able to read this someday. I want them to know that there is nothing they can do to make me love them any less. I want them to know that they are not expected to be perfect. I want them to know that there is nothing they could do to remove themselves from God's love. So many people believe that if you make unwise choices, that God would leave you. I don't believe that. It is in my darkest hours when I felt that I MOST "unworthy" of His love, that I felt His love the STRONGEST. He knows we will fall. He only expects us to GRAB ONTO HIS HAND when He reaches out to help us stand up again, to help us follow Him again. We will never run out of "second chances" with the Lord. If He is not there, it is because WE have left Him...not vice versa. When we fall (because we will), IF we look up..HE WILL BE THERE!! Always. Always, always, always. I want my babies to know that I will also ALWAYS be there. No matter what. And I know their Daddy will be as well. They are so special. Since the beginning, they have BOTH truly been angel babies. They were sent here with STRONG spirits...just like mine. They are SUCH an amazing example to me.
 
It's not easy to be looked up to as someone who "always, always makes right choices"...and then to feel as if you have let the world down for making mistakes. I am not proud of some of the choices I have made. But I am still proud of the woman I am..and excited about the woman I am becoming and about the woman that I know God knows I am destined to be. And if it took a few falls to get me here....if it took a few falls for me to grab onto my Savior with BOTH HANDS, arms wrapped around Him so tight that I never want to let go; then I am grateful. I am grateful that I am able to be an instrument in the Lord's hands by giving love and empathy and strength that I have been able to offer to so many as a result of my life experiences...because I have literally TASTED what they are going through. I have a long way to go. I have a lot of mending and healing to do. I have a lot of work that needs to be done, conversations that need to be had, growth that needs to happen, changes that need to be made, etc. So grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who is patient. He knows I will get there. He knows I will do it the right way.
 
I am not perfect. But I am standing up again every time I fall. It's discouraging. There is no one that gets more upset at me than I do. But God never gives up on me. Never. Some may have chosen to forget who I am and sometimes I even forget...but He is always right there to remind me....I am His. And just knowing that, gives me enough hope and enough strength to endure just about anything - and the strength to stand up again..one more time..again and again.

(Many thanks to Greg Olsen, whose paintings and words of wisdom have always been a great source of inspiration, comfort and light to me.)

As I mentioned, this post is closed to comments. As a result, one of my dearest best friends (Thank you D! Sure love you!!) just sent me a link to this song in response to this blog post. Had never heard it and it touched my heart so much, that I wanted to post it here, with the lyrics....

WHEN GOD RAN
by Phillips, Craig & Dean

Almighty God, the great I am
Immovable rock, omnipotent, powerful, awesome Lord
Victorious warrior, commanding King of Kings
Mighty conqueror, and the only time
the only time I ever saw Him run

CHORUS:
Was when He ran to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said,
“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise when God ran

The day I left home I knew I’d broken His heart
And I wondered then if things could ever be the same
Then one night I remembered His love for me
And down that dusty road ahead I could see
It was the only time – it was the only time I ever saw Him run

And then He ran to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said,
“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise as He brought me to my knees
When God ran – I saw Him run to me

BRIDGE:
I was so ashamed, all alone and so far away
But now I know He’s been waiting for this day

I saw Him run to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice I felt His love for me again

He ran to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said, “Son”, He called me Son
He said, “Son do you know I still love you?”
He ran to me and then I ran to Him
When God ran

{anxious to bless}

 
So love when I am able to reward my babies for good behavior, helping around the house and being so awesome and kind. Kaden just filled up his fuzzy jar (more about those later) and THIS is the prize he wanted. Thought I would surprise him with it when he wakes up in the morning. Can't wait to hear his reaction when he finds it!!! *sigh* There's nothing better than being a Mama. Nothing.

Originally, that was all my entry was going to say tonight. But then it made me think...I can only IMAGINE how God must feel when WE, HIS children "fill up our fuzzy jars" with good choices and kindnesses towards each other. I feel such crazy excitement as I sit and wait for Kaden to see the reward that awaits him. Can you IMAGINE how our Father feels, as He sits there and watches and waits, CHEERING US ON to "fill our jars" JUST so that He can SHOWER us with MIRACLES and BLESSINGS beyond measure. Just as we sit and encourage and cheer our little ones on, waiting for them to do good things and make good choices so that we can reward them with praise (and also comfort and encourage and lift them when they fall)...likewise, our Father sits and cheers us on, just WAITING for us to CHOOSE HIM and FOLLOW HIM and PRAISE HIM and PREACH OF HIM....so that He can SHOWER US with blessings. He is SO anxious to bless us.I KNOW that is how it has been in my life. My Heavenly Father is so good to me and my little ones. And it seems like little rewards and surprises wait for us around EVERY CORNER. Oftentimes, I can almost picture Him saying, "Just WAIT until Heather sees what I have in store for her." I wonder if He doesn't sit there, as I am sitting here now, with a smile on His face, waiting for His "little ones" to "WAKE UP and FOLLOW HIM" and SEE what great blessings and rewards He has for them....Mm...SO awesome! I can almost hear HIM saying the same words I expressed above..."There is NOTHING better than being a Father. Nothing." So grateful for God in my life, for my Savior and for the greatest, most HEAVENLY and blessed "job" in the world....being "Mama." :-)

(Hey...so breakfast tomorrow is cereal. So? :-) Mama is sleepy this week and isn't getting to bed until 2:30 AM tonight. No scrambled eggs and English muffins tomorrow. Don't judge. LOL. At least they are semi-healthy-ish cereals. LOL!)